12/04/2012

 With this note, I am getting completely shitfaced. Have a wonderful evening, ladies and gentlemen. I will return to the world at some point in time. Until then, farewell. 

12/4/12 – 8:45pm
I wish I could explain it to you so that you could understand. I’m not depressed, I’m not spiraling downward or out of control. I’m simply sad, remorseful even. I don’t even know where to start, I don’t want to admit where these tears come from. But I need to, because I need to find a way to heal. To mend my broken wings and soar above the desolation…rise above….the jealousy. It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault I suppose. Just the way things worked out for my journey – my story. Having an adopted mother carried a generation down, to me. No true grandparents that share my blood. Grandpa loved me before Mary Elizabeth convinced him I was like my mom. Minnie Silk treated me like her grandchildren, only I never heard "I love you" like they did. And Lord forbid I try to form a relationship with my dad to know his parents. I was never especially close to my grandmother and didn’t meet my grandfather until I was 16, and he didn’t even acknowledge any of us. What is family? I know it isn’t just blood. Family friends have been more family to me than my blood acquaintances. My uncles and aunts? Hardly know them anymore. My sister and brothers? Yeah, you’re on my Facebook, but we haven’t talked in at least five months. My dear dad, gone and I still blame myself. I guess planning a funeral yourself will do that (add the uncommon case of amnesia and nightmares reminding you of your last meetings). What is family? The love of my life, three of my best friends in the world are more family to me than people I look like and share blood with. I want more than that, and maybe I’ll have it someday. Maybe I won’t. But I will be one of those people whom, no matter if we share blood or not, will always treat you like family if you earn that prestigious honor.