10/15/2013
4:57 am
In February 2012, I started writing in a journal for Rachel. I gave it to her for her birthday (October 28th) last year and kept it after we broke up. I’ve gone back and read a few pages from the beginning. I’m contemplating giving it back to her because…well, it’s hers. I gave it to her as a gift and testimony of my love.
Love isn’t easy. I don’t have all the answers and I’m sure there are times when Rachel wants to strangle me and shake me like shake -n- bake. But one thing we do have for each other is respect. I think that is very important. We take care of each other. We take care of ourselves for each other. I know that being with her has made me a better person and I am continually challenged to be the best I can be. More challenged than I would be on my own. Honestly, I don’t push myself as much as I probably should. But Rachel inspires me. She makes me think of things from another vantage point. I want to write another journal for her. I’m not sure it’ll happen, though. I have had a very hard time following through lately.
Not sure what my deal is. I’ll figure it out. I always figure things out. No matter what. I can’t continue to make excuses. I’m 27 years old. I’ve bot responsiblities to focus on and those include my girlfriend. I had a kid at work ask me tonight about marriage and what you have to do to get married. It made me think a lot about things. I think I’ve kinda shut down a little in the process. Rachel and I talked about it once after we started talking again. I’m not sure if we were drunk or not, but I was like "Oh, let’s get married before I turn 40 if we’re both still single or not married!!" And she said yes and that was that. We some how talked …her sister went ring shopping so we talked about rings and I know she’s not flashy and doesn’t want a huge bling bling ring. If we ever get married I’d love to get her a ring she actually wanted. One she designed and has an emotional attachment to. All I’ve got is my great-grandmother’s ring and we’ve been there before. I’ve finally gotten to the point where it’s my ring again and not hers…but it’s still hers. I don’t know. It’s all still in the gray area and something we don’t talk about.
Crystal and I are "better friends" now than we were a couple of weeks ago. I don’t really have a lot to say about that. I have mixed feelings about her and I’m not sure if everything I say or do is genuine, but I’m trying. Erika finally reached out but I truly think the only reason she did that was to see if Rachel was still mad at her…which she never was. So…I’m over it. I’m done with as much of the drama as I can be. I just want to be happy, laugh, love and do good in the world. #iwontstop Yeah…I went there