08/08/2013

 I realized tonight that I can’t take care of other people and then take care of myself.

I spent part of the night counseling my friend David, came home and counseled my friend Bridgett and then had to deal with some of my own emotions of completely unrelated topics. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be there for everyone else and then be strong for my own mental health like I used to. I realize I have to disassociate and it’s not easy for me. Maybe I’m intimidated by CB. I trust Rachel with all that I am and in her eyes, because I have these fears and emotions, I don’t. I can’t make her see it any other way that I do trust her. I just can’t be involved with the situation. I support what she’s trying to do, catch CB and expose her for the liar she is, but I…guess I’m still hurt.

CB got me good. I told her things about Rachel and I that I hadn’t told Kesha…or even my mom. She had it planted in my head that instead of talking to Rachel, I just needed to break up with her. She furthered my doubt in our future and I take blame for the fact that we ended. We stopped talking, whether CB was in the picture or not…we were going to break up. And here we are, beginning of August, less than a year later and I’m being a emotional train wreck allllll over again. I can’t neatly wrap things up and discard them like they’re nothing. No matter how deep I bury them, no matter how hard I try to ignore them, things come back. And when I found out that CB had told Rachel the exact same things I told her, it was like adding insult to injury. I feel like that’s where I am. She’s trying to make Rachel her side piece….willing to cheat on Erika with Rachel. And then she’s telling her things like she’s a 10…which, now that I type it out, I should be proud that people find my girlfriend attractive. And I am! I had an amazing chance to brag on Rachel today and I totally did. And it was AWESOME. I’m very proud of my girlfriend, I’m very proud of our relationship. …I’m also very protective of what is mine. And therein lies the problem.

If I get territorial, Rachel feels smothered. When she feels smothered, she gets overwhelmed. When that happens, we’re over. It’s like the 3 strikes rule and I’ve got one strike against me. Anyone can compliment me on my girlfriend…and they have several times prior to today. But when it comes from CB, I feel like I need to stand up, puff out my chest and tell her to back off. Part of me feels like CB stole Rachel from me…and I think these are things I haven’t dealt with, things I haven’t even considered until this very moment. 

So I text what I just learned to Rachel so she’s the first after me to know what I’m up against. It’s all mental. It’s all old wounds that didn’t properly heal. I threw myself into pretending like I was okay, like I had moved on and wasn’t phased by our break up. I even pretended I was talking to someone who doesn’t even exist. In my eyes, if Rachel could move on so quickly, fine…so could I. Truth is…I never moved on. I never let go of hope that someday, even if it took years, that she and I would find our way back to each other. And here I am…ruining it because I can’t let go of things from the past. It’s not easy. It’s like chemistry or physics to me. I just don’t understand or grasp how to take an event or person, bind them up in a little box with a bow and place it somewhere else to where it never has an effect or even comes up again. But I have to figure it out. I don’t think it’s anything that Rachel (or anyone else) can teach me. I have to learn it for myself so that I can apply it for myself.

I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to not have people think I blame CB for the failures in my recent past. I don’t blame her like everyone thinks I do. I take ownership that there have been numerous break downs in communication. I take ownership that I didn’t speak my mind and heart like I should have. None of that was her doing. She didn’t prevent me from speaking for myself. With or without her influence, I didn’t think anyone would believe me so I kept it inside. I have a choice to make now. I can either let my past experiences rule me and destroy everything I have worked so hard to get. Or. I can conquer my insecurities. I need to let go of any irritation or threat that I feel by CB and move forward.

I will. I know what I need to do, I’ve been thinking of ways to do it on and off today. I have a plan and I’m quite confident in it. I just have to enact it and get Rachel to trust me so I don’t damage our relationship and/or lose her a second time.