05/09/2013

 12:43 pm – listening to: "I Run To You" by Lady Antebellum

Had an awesome birthday party on Saturday with a few good friends and a couple new friends. Everyone got along well enough, there was zero drama between Rachel and Kesha. Tiffany even seemed to enjoy herself. Rachel stayed the night and went to family dinner with my mom, my aunt, my cousin and me to Zio’s. We woke up to a text Sunday night that her grandpa had passed. She ended up staying Monday and part of Tuesday. She’s on her way to to the gravesite now, may even be there by now. I hurt for her. She won’t admit she hurts right now and I get that. Especially since she has her kids with her. It’s going to be a bit of a test to see how our dynamic changes. She’s going to shut down a lot quicker and she’s going to internalize it as much as possible. I’ve never been one to push her into talking to me, and I certainly won’t about this. It’ll be a delicate balance to find.

It has been….I don’t even know. I don’t have a lot to say. I just want to write lately. I want to do research and I want to move forward with my transitioning. With all the legal stuff going on for gay rights, I’ve seen a lot of transgender pride showing as well. I guess I’m embracing the journey more than I have in the last 22 years (or 13, if you go by when I started experimenting with new names). I’m just ready. I’m conflicted, though. I know that 95% of the people on my Facebook know me from high school, about 3% know me from work and the rest know me from online. And anyone who knows me online knows me as Colby, sans having a female body. Or at least I think most people do. Caterina knew and was VERY supportive. Jess knows and was semi-supportive. Brie knew and never talked about it. I guess those are the only girls I’ve dated that I wasn’t straight-forward with about it. It’s something that came out when I was secure in our relationship and ready for the next step.

Even now that Rachel and I aren’t together, she is my biggest supporter. I wrote a letter to my mom (that I’ll include at the end) and she proofread it for me because she’s a mom. I needed that insight. I’m not really growing up. If anything, I’m able to embrace my journey and can vocalize it. My biggest struggle lately has been the he/she, his/hers, male/female pronouns. Most everyone calls me Colby or CJ (except for my mom) and I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to interact with her for that reason alone. I roll my eyes or I sigh because it’s frustrating me. Do the pronouns kick in when I start HRT? When I have SRS? When do I get to be recognized for all that I am? Colby Richardson. I’m as much of a male as my natural-born brothers. I just don’t have matching genitalia.

And about SRS. I have to really dig and figure out why I want that. I’m complete as I am…I love who I am, I am not ashamed of who I am. But is saying I want the full male experience even correct? It’s certainly not for the sex. I don’t want a dick I can flaunt and throw around. I guess I do want the full male experience. Inside I’m complete…in my heart and in my mind, I’m all male. But outside, I’m not. I want to reconcile the two. I want my outside to match my inside. If people think I’m confident now, just wait until everything’s right. Maybe. I know that is a painful surgery, bottom surgery. I know it doesn’t always turn out as pretty or as long or as desirable as a natural penis. But if it’s mine, I will own that shiz like nobody’s business. I want it. But do I need it? I think that is ultimately the biggest question I need to ask. If I start dating again (and it’s not Rachel), that has to be something I’m ready to tell them. Obviously, because Rachel met me as Megan (but never saw me as a girl which I love), she knew I don’t have the parts and we made it work quite well for us. But if I date someone else and I’ve started HRT, will I be able to admit I don’t have the traditional, expected male parts and will I want to have sex without it?…will THEY want to have sex with ME without it?

But, in all honesty…and this is something that I have thought of way back in the beginning of my relationship with Rachel and continued to think about even after we broke up…when I have that surgery, there’s only one person I want to share it with. Her. She’ll at least be the first person to see it. I’m not going to go around showing that to just anyone. It’s not like nipple rings or a tongue ring. I mention nipple piercings because a friend of mine got her done a couple of days before my party and we totally piled three people into my bathroom so we could see. I’ve never seen any before! I was curious! Definitely something to think about. Not now, not with this body…but possibly after my top surgery.

Anyway. So much to think about…so much to discover and really put into action. Here’s that letter…

Ma,

I write this letter as an attempt to communicate effectively things that I find difficult to vocalize. First and foremost, I love you and I do not want to cause you any pain in the world. You have raised me to be a person of integrity, honor, honesty and compassion, to name a few. But I find things to be a little tense lately.

When I left for NC, you were very supportive of what was to come when I returned. You were willing to call me CJ, as a compromise to Colby. I support it. So much that I told Michael and that’s what he calls me. It’s effective and it works for both of us. I understand Colby isn’t anything near Megan and that it is a huge change. 27 years ago, you were adapting to having a baby girl and 8 years ago, I told you I didn’t want to be your daughter.

I can’t imagine, as a mother, what that must feel like. Please understand that it was difficult for me, and that it still is. There are many people who will only say Colby because they don’t know which pronouns to use, male or female. That, too, I understand. I prefer male, but I’m not to that point yet with you. I’m simply asking for a compromise on my name and I am willing to work with you and be patient.

I guess that I had hoped once I got my name changed, it would be an easier transition for you (and everyone else) and that Colby would become second nature. I realize it’s much easier for some people to call me Colby, while it’s much more difficult for others. I’m reaching out the best way i know how and that’s simply to work with you on this. It’s not just you, either. I don’t want you to think that you’re the only one who struggles with calling me Colby or CJ. It’s just you’re my Ma, you’re the one who is proud of the name Megan and you’re the one who is most accustomed to Megan and daughter and everything feminine.

I’m willing to talk about this with you, face to face, if that’s what you need. I just want you to know that you aren’t doing anything wrong. I feel your support, I love and appreciate your support. I know I’m very lucky to have a mother who supports their child the way you do. You’ve never turned your back, you’ve never made me feel like I’m any less than a person who deserves to be respected and loved for all that I am and all that I want to be in my life. But I do need more support.

My transition has pretty much come to a standstill and this is the only thing I can ask of anyone at

this time. The best support I can receive from anyone, including you, is to move from Megan and into Colby or CJ. The biggest accomplishment I’ve made thus far in my life has been changing my name. Again, I’m not mad or angry. I know it’s an extreme adjustment, you may feel like you’re losing your daughter. You’re not losing me. You’re gaining a more confident, happier and more productive son. I’m just searching for a compromise.

I love you,

Colby