01/07/2013

 1220 pm

I will eventually get back into the habit of reading other diaries. I don’t have a whole lot of motivation at this time, but I’m going to start making time for things I want to do and have wanted to do for a while. I’m sleeping now. For now. I think I have for 2 or 3 nights. I went to bed terribly late (like 3 am or something) and woke up at 8 then again at 11-something. My mom asked me last night how to add Rachel back to her facebook page. She said she misses her and that makes me feel so terrible. I was ashamed of myself for letting my emotions about the situation spread into their relationship. It wasn’t unit after the fact that I realized how selfish I was being. My mom loves Rachel whether we are friends, lovers, or enemies. And s wants  back in her life. I don’t know how to make that happen. I can’t get Rachel to be in my life, how can I help anyone else keep her? I have opinions on that, but those aren’t for public consumption.

Today is the first day since Saturday that I’m actually listening to music like I used to. All the songs I had, for a while there, were about breaking up. I realize that I felt it coming and that I prepared myself for it, but I didn’t prepare myself for the loss I’d experience. I wish we could try, but it’s only been a week since we broke up and she’s deleted the games we played. I hate wanting to know the future, wanting to know if we will ever talk again, wanting to know if we will ever be friends…if she will ever be in my life as more than a memory. I choose to focus on the positive. On the good times we had. I haven’t cried since Saturday…or maybe Friday. I can’t truly remember. But it’s of little consequence because there will come a day where I forget altogether the timeframe in which I cried.

Memories are easier for our minds to forget when there’s no one around to remind you.