Rain is gonna come down

what a FUCKED up day and that’s puting it nicely!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was my monday, I was off on wed, and thursday. I get called into work an hour early today, as soon as I go to walk out to fuel center, I see all the trash cans are FULL beyond full, the pumps are fucking disgusting, no one has done SHIT! and it’s hotter than hell and I’m out there scrubing pumps and doing trash, while the other chick( we have lay overs on friday and saturday) is inside. After that I litterally felt like passing out! well soon as I get in there some chick says that one of the pumps is leaking, so I go right back out and sure enough there’s a little puddle, gas dripping down the craddle I figured someone just over topped up and there’s a lot of pressure causing it to leak out so I pull the nozzle out and go to stretch it to realive pressure and about 14 of a gallon shoots out nozzle and sprays all over my pants, shoes, and hands out of shock I drop the nozzle and then I pick it up and it’s still streaming out gas so I shut off the breaker to the pump, and call the pump people, which they’d just came out and replaced that nozzle TODAY! so the guy sounded pissed, and said they’d be making them turn around and come right back out. So needless to say I got to smell like gas for the remainder of my night.

It just went down hill from there.. I don’t even care to finish writing about it.

Now Im fustrated and crying.

It’s times like now I really miss my dad, I want to hear his voice, his old stories, I just wanna hear him say everything is ok, that he’s ok, I wanna feel his big bear hug cutting off my air ways, I wanna hear him tell me it’s going to be ok, that stuff happens, but it’ll all work itself out. :'( I want to take his shirt out of the bag so I can smell him, but I know I’ll lose it and I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s been 10 months and sometimes I still have the same dreamnightmare I had the same dream every night for a few months after he passed away.

When my dad passed away I didn’t make it on time to say good bye or see him, I was due to fly out that morning cause he wasn’t doing so well, he passed away shortly after 3am and they came and got him, so I was never able to say good bye, so when we went to make arangments they let me see him, so I could have some kind of closure, but I can rememeber him laying there and he was so cold, I just kept saying he hates being cold… I remember the imprint from the zipper on top of his head, and kissing his cold cheeks and feeling the goosebumps on his cheeks, I lost it the room and my aunt and step sister and stepmom had to take me out of there, it was bad…

In my dream I’m back in the room and I’m kissing his cheeks I can feel him, and then all of a sudden it flashes to the creamatory and I can see his body laying in the box and he’s going into the cremator and I see him burning and then I wake up. It freaked me out for months on end I never told anyone, but my sister about a month after me having them.

It eats through me that I never got to say goodbye, there’s so much i wished I would have told him, there’s so many things he won’t be there for, if I ever get married he won’t be there to walk me down the isle, when or if I have children he won’t be there to hold them, Cancer cheated me out of so many memories I’ll never have =( my dad was only 56 yrs old, he didn’t get to celebrate my 30th birthday with me, he fought so hard but cancer took him from me 3 days before my 30th birthday how fucking cruel is that! It litterally kills me inside..

I just don’t know what else to say..