A year?

This time last year I was packing my suitcase getting ready for my flight the next afternoon, to go see my dad I had gotten the call from my stepmom at work that he wasn’t doing so well and I really needed to get there as soon as I could, I would have and should have flown that night and told work to go screw themselves but being part of my dad I don’t let people down or maybe it was his last wish that I wasn’t there… I didn’t think things would have unfolded how they did, I just wanted the chance to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, talk to him, just be there for him and let him know I was there.

I went to sleep that night with a heavy heart, not knowing what to expect when I woke up, just praying and hoping he’d hold on until I got there.

I woke up at 5am to get ready for work, turned on my cellphone and had a voicemail, I wasn’t sure who it was from cause I had no missed calls, so I listened to it and it was my stepmom asking me to call her as soon as possible, a part of me knew… I called her and all she could cry out was he was gone… I hit my knee’s my heart was broken, I never got to say goodbye, I failed and I didn’t make it, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most, in my heart I know he’d of wanted it that way for me not to be there not to see him that way.. but it kills me deep inside.

I went to work, and fell apart, thank goodness for some reason I had to go back inside the store for something and I just crumbled and my book keeper sent me home. When I made it to Cali, my dads body had been takin over 12hrs before but I could still smell him, and it killed me.

We had an appointment for the 15th at the funeral home to make arrangments, when we got there the lady was so wonderful, she was very heart warming, I remember we went into the room to look at urns, make other decisions, then she asked if we wanted to see him, we had no idea we could, all I were on me, my stepmom thought it would help to get some closer, my older sister and aunt and stepmom said they do it and be strong for me, I really just wanted my daddy back.. we went in the room where he was on this like table, they put blankets over him, and he was like ice, you could tell they put lipstick on his lips and he had goop on his eye lids, his ears were blue, they just kept telling me he’s ok it’s just his shell, the moment I touched him and kissed his cheek I lost it,I told him I loved him, and I just kept sayin he hates being cold, I remember rubbin his bald head where there was a zipper imprint and my knee’s gave out, they had to all drag me out and I just couldn’t bare it any longer.

I miss him so so so so much ='(.
Cancer stole my dad from me, so many memories that I’ll never get to make, so many times I’ll never be able to have. I lost my dad at 29 yrs old, he faught so hard, never complaining, never letting on how much pain he was really in, he hated when we’d cry, but I cry all the time now and he can’t scold me.. I love and I miss him every single day, I know that a part of him lives on inside of me, but it’s just not the same..

Roy R.B.Jr.
May 09, 1955 – September 13, 2011