your affect on me

I am craving the ability to write a piece of brilliance right now without the capability of doing so. I’m nailed to my chair with every intention of experiencing mixed emotions because of my writer’s block. The problem I am facing is my consumption of other peoples’ abilities and the lack of beauty I seem to be generating. I can admire the true greatness of my best friend’s writing – her talent, her beauty, her self – but I am falling short to inspire my own. I probably don’t even have this talent – this beauty – I just feel good thinking I do after creating a masterpiece of my own. By allowing myself to appreciate and therefore exude a feeling of excitement, I normally become inspired. Perhaps I should refrain from worrying about whether my accomplishments are grand or whether they appear wholesome. The jealousy of my best friend, for example, is not an actual distasteful jealousy that creates ill will, it’s a feeling of such astonishment and love of her. I am jealous that I cannot see her right now or speak my mind to someone I could say anything to in any way I wanted. I am jealous that she can create such beautiful masterpieces of music and writing – expressions of art – where as I struggle. However, this is her affect. She wasn’t born to affect others, this is the person she is – the woman she became – and her gift to the world. Jealousy? Hmm maybe a little, but in the most authentic and indebted way possible. Nothing could happen to us that would put us in a place of struggle or competition. It’ s just that easy. It’s a friendship based on simplicity, carelessness in the presence of each other, and a supreme connection of agape that stamps a firm distinction on us.

I didn’t intend on writing about my best friend, nor did I intend on expressing my feelings about another. For such an initial precarious feeling of doubt I had writing this, I feel much better now all because of your effect. See, you don’t even have to be in the same state, let alone 5,000 + miles away with a 3 hours time difference to affect me. Miss you