Saving my own life

     Finally it happened, the mountain I held atop my shoulders came crumbling down and I panicked. I raced through everything unfair in my life and for once I couldn’t handle it. I broke down, I screamed inside, I cried so much I was shaking, and all the while I asked myself, why? I’ve been hearing it for years from those close to me and for years I have brushed it off:  "Chris, you don’t deserve this." And, today, I truly realized that I don’t deserve all the unfairness I have to go through just to live to the next day. I can handle a lot, NO I can anything, but today I lost it. What do I do from this point on when I finally given into the unfortunate temptation I have been trying to avoid for years now? I always would say my life is filled with these complications because I am strong enough to handle them and God poisoned me for a reason. No matter how ironically loyal my diabetes and bad heart are to me, for once it would be nice to live without them. I’m sorry, but my life cannot handle you right now…

     I try so hard to cover every ounce of faults I have up concerning my health with my outgoing extroverted personality because I truly believe life should be without complaints. Complaining will never get you anywhere and luckily I have never resorted to this annoying habit so many of us do possess. Had I ever told the other people including my "friends" and others close to me that complaining will get you nowhere and that they really don’t know what real problems are, I could talk a lifetimes worth. I will not begin to complain just because that mountain holding all thats wrong with me fell, however, I am going to need help in picking up the pieces. 

     When I called Lauren today hysterically crying telling her that "I think I am dying," she told me to never say that. Despite the awfulness of what I said, what makes it ever more awful is the truthfulness behind it. I am scared and if I can no longer manage my health, which not only my doctor has proven to me, but my life has exemplified, then maybe my life is closer to the end than I have been secretly and nervously anticipating. I have tried for 9 years to maintain the blood sugars I am supposed to at the expense of everything I have given up in the process, yet I will never perfect this game. Too many ups and downs control my life, and when it isn’t this tiresome disease eating away my body, it’s my heart crumbling at the seams. And you know what the most ironic part of this equation is? I know with all the honestly in my words that I DO have a good strong heart, but why are the physical aspects of it so damn weak? You see, when I add up the loyalities in my life like diabetes, a pacemaker, and currently high blood pressure mixed with various infections in my body, you will begin to realize my hard-to-accept statement to Lauren today.

No matter how stressful my medical tribulations painfully decorate my life with, at least I have amazing friends and family to help me along the way. Just last night when I was telling my housemate Bryan about the likeliness of someday needing a kidney transplant, you know what he said? He said, "Bro, if you ever need a kidney I wouldn’t think twice. I am always here for you." Holding back the tears in that moment after he said that was extremly difficult, but thinking about how many others in my life would say the same exact thing was even more beautiful to me.

Last week I wrote about saving the life of others, but I think it would be wise to say, it’s time to save my own…