my swirling cloud of smoke

The cloud of smoke fluttering in front of me seems to be staggering. It shields me and prevents me from saying what I don’t want said, but stays translucent enough so I can see where am I’m going. Allowing me to pierce this cloud with my vision tells me I have the capability to direct my life, but the strain this small cloud presents me with reminds me there is no easy way out of anything in life. I perch my eyes above the cloud to see over it, only to distort its shape with my breathy cadence. The distortion I cause to this swirling cloud decreases my ability to see linear. I seek any sort of linear pattern in the way I live my life as if it represented consistency and success. Once this path turns sinuous as the fleecy extensions of this cloud spiral outwards, I feel sick…

I am desperately seeking the path of linearity only to have it skewed by my decisions. It’s these decisions, however, that I need to overcome. Over the last 5 months, I have faced a variety of decisions that have affected the consistency of this swirling smoky cloud as well as my range of visibility through it. I have chosen a career that is both far from what I dreamed of in college and far from what I worked hard for all along. I have settled down with a wonderful girl that I care about deeply and who cares for me the same.

Upon every decision we make in life, we seem to leave one behind. I chose this career and I left the other options behind me. Every decision we make undoubtedly presents us with a consequence. It is up to us whether or not this consequence is destructive enough to deem our decision the wrong one.

I started this entry personifying the very nature of a smoky white cloud (see profile picture) that has seemed be dancing in front of my face over the last 5 months. It’s managed to misdirect me one day, while straightening out my decisions the next. When I try to compete with this blurry nuisance, it seems to worsen. I will continue to blow breaths of indecisiveness and uncertainty in its core for now, but one day I hope to conquer this burden and see as clear as possible. 

I know what the last straw is keeping this cloud in front of me afloat. I know what I need to do to clear it up and face the reality it reminds me of everyday. It’s time to tell her…