my darkness

When it comes to life, are we all in the dark? We say one thing and do the next. We act one way one moment and another the next. The darkness in life can be so blinding, yet so clear. It shows us we are not perfect and that as humans we thrive off of the complexities and confusions of life. A life so large, that even all the darkness in the world could not cover it. Each one of us has a darkness in our hearts, a secret that’s so dark that we keep it unseen by any light, or a past that we’d rather keep covered than exposed.

Tonight, as I was finishing up my work for the day at my computer, my own darkness blinded me. It was a darkness created through a heredetary behavior I neither asked for, nor wanted. Instead of calling it a night by simply laying down in my bed, my "id" grabbed two different pills that I popped into my mouth, and then poured a glass of rum. Though this may be simple and an unexciting example of the darkness that I sometimes face, it’s crazier to think of the vastness of how dark our world has the capability of being..

The tears in my eyes, the goosebumps on my veiny arms, the nervousness in which I type every letter has seemed to darken my mood. For now, I am going to breathe in the darkness of this room and enjoy its rather terrifying beauty. So what if I inhale demons, for at least I know I am strengthening my own darkness as I build it a rough exterior…

I miss you. Lauren. Rachel. Grandpa. Sarah. Adriana. Spain. Caitlin. Hayley as a toddler…A past that may never exist again, though serving as nice recollections to lighten the darkness of this onyx room….