moments before dawn

 I gently rub the scab on my index finger. 

I swallow with a bit of a pain due to my recent stomach bug and vomiting spree. 

I look at the clock reading 3:36am as my week of the nightshift at work is about to end in two hours.

What a long week it has been. I’ve been able to see life at night when everyone sleeps – a world unalike the hectic daylight hours. At this time, a peaceful lull settles over me even as my circadian clock realizes its normal stage of deep sleep at these hours is being disturbed. During these early morning hours where I usually am asleep, I have been able to wonder outside my typical realm of consciousness…

I see her lying in bed, all alone, possibly dreaming of when I’ll be back to share our nightly niche together…

I see the new year has come and I have remained the same. Well, I think I have remained the same. My body is seeing signs of age just as my youth is fleeting before me. I’d grab this feeling of youth in a firm grip if I could, but I’d only be fooling myself. Who is to say I can’t be who I was two years ago? Who is to say I can’t be who I was five or ten years ago? Physically, I can’t, but mentally I might stand a chance. I shouldn’t let myself become unsettled by the slow deterioration of youth and its beauty, but instead be appreciative of the wisdom that comes with age.

I’m in the west village in New York City attempting to locate an old acquaintance I hardly know from a drunken night in college…

I am asked for a lighter, "tienes fuego?" by a local in Madrid as I journey through the streets alone. I reply, "si" and he quickly offers me his blunt to smoke in the the middle of Plaza de Mayor. 

I jump off the cliff as tall as two light posts into the murky dark waters below…

I put my dad’s suit on and attach a fake ID badge to my jacket as I attempt to purchase a 30 pack of beer at the age of 17 – it works…

I try to impress my 7 year old brother (1 year younger) by jumping from the ledge over the nearby bush only have him imitate me and break his arm…

I push aside a Senior guy trying to take advantage of a drunken High School junior girl only to be sucker punched into a glass table and punched again outside near my car at a party I attended with an older friend…

I wake up from my third routine heart surgery only to have my surgeon say "that didn’t go as planned."

These random moments in time are images of the past to me. I sit here thinking back on all the instances in my life that have shaped who I am today. We are all comprised of these random moments and it’s settling to realize this similarity we all share. I smile at some moments, laugh at others, cry at a few, and ever shudder.

I am traveling to Hawaii at the end of this month with Kari. What an amazing opportunity this is going to be. I will see the beauty I so desperately seek in this life in full view. I am so lucky to be able to do the things I do and even luckier to share these moments with another human being. I may inevitable see this trip as another random moment in time that will soon pass, but I must look at it as just another ingredient that will shape and transpose my life…or something like it.