Losing myself in others

I will put aside any attempts at sanity for now. At this moment, I write with hatred and passion. The harder I type the drunker I feel. The harder I stare at the screen, the more I write with meaning. I am fucking pissed. I am mad at myself for letting others get me down. Lately, the fence I hold high around myself seems to have cracked and let others in. I am being fazed by those that I would never have turned my head for in the past. If power-trips, jealously, and dick measuring is valid in this world, then I got a problem. My job has forced me turn against what I stand for and now I sit here at the brink of insanity. I am so mad for letting myself become upset with those that push me over the edge. I do my job and I believe I do it well. If you have an issue with how I work, please act professional and talk to me like an adult. I don’t need your sarcasm, I don’t need your sad attempts at feeling superior by condescending me, and I certainly don’t need your "people pleasing" bullshit to defraud the validity of the power you think you may have over me. I am absolutely sick and tired of working 12 hour shifts only to become unaware of my own name at the end of the day. My job presents to me an array of situations on a daily basis (that’s basically the nature of my job), but don’t use me as a scapegoat in order to save your own paycheck. Your dick may seem big to you in a measuring contest against other employees, but trust me buddy outside of work mine would stomp yours. I have catapulted myself back to middle school, if not early high school, in this job and I am sick. I am literally nauseous considering how hard I have worked and how pathetic I have become…

So in the end, it’s my fault … I may not have liked or preferred the choice I made in choosing to be where I am now, but I am here so I am ultimately responsible. I hit myself over the head today with a wake up call and I pray to god it helps. I will try harder to escape this cave I have "settled" into to my dismay. I won’t purse this goal frantically, haphazardly or precariously, but I will do it. Mark my words.

I will no longer lose myself in others…I’m just too strong.