filled, fueled, and fucked

I’m so tired. I’m just so fucking tired…

Wrap me up right now and look at me. What am I doing? Where am I going? Did I make the wrong decisions along the way? I’m tired of doubting the decisions I make that bring me to the place I am now. Should I have settled when I knew she was the best for me? Should I have let his dark secrets affect my life so severly? Besides, she is the love of my life, and he is my father. Suddenly I lack the capability to handle the hardships life presents me with. How can this be? How can a guy who has faced any and all difficulties not be able to handle life? It could be the fact I am about to end a signifcant 4 year chapter in my life by graduating college. It could be the anticipation of starting a new one when assembling my life post-graduation. Perhaps it’s the fact my age is being so highlighted as if I need to act on it and persuade my decisions to be complementary towards it…

The possibilities are endless, just as the directions my life could take are. For some reason when envisioning this image, I see a huge desolate area of sandy grasslands with a intersections cutting through the middle. Like characters in the movies, I sit in my car contemplating whether to direct myself straight, left, or right. I can’t predict where I am going, and I can’t even predict the road that fascinates me the most.

For now, I’ll carry the baggage that has always weighed me down, while striving towards whatever road that will hopefully shine brighter than the rest. Fuck college. Fuck graduation. Fuck the life I have learned before this moment. Fuck the friends I have made throughout my life. Fuck the life I am about to embark on. Fuck life and all its difficulties. However, to blatantly contradict myself, I will forever be thankful for the LIFE these aspects of myself and my…self have filled, fueled, and fucked me with!