always wanting more

     A sad realization blanketed over me late last night. It was an inevitable one, I believe, that finally surfaced out of the salty dark waters of my life down by the shore: a need, a search, and a constant self-satisfying urge for gratification. This is a feeling submerged in the desire of always wanting more, always continuing a steady repititious cycle of a behavior I come to get used to…or perhaps a way to fill my summers with the sensualness the heat ignites in me. What happens when a night leaves me empty and broken away from the cycle I’ve accustomed myself to? Well, that’s just it…this is where the realization stemmed from, and summers impending end may just be where it all comes together in one big crushing wave of understanding.

     When you get used to someone and eventually the proverbial act that connects you on all other levels, you seem to lose touch with the reality of the affair that time can only start and end. Time has seemed to lay out a predetermined timeline that has pinpointed the highs and lows, the climax, the downfalls, and the start and finish of certain relationships that are impeded by strains such as distance, age, time, differing paths in life, and fluctuating emotions.

     I learned a great deal about myself this summer and I’ve seen what temptations do to me. However, why are they called temptations if being tempted by these sirens only makes me find a way to conquer them until they’re no longer temptuous? I think this is because of my realization of never being satisfied with what I have, always needing more, and desperately searching for gratification in all the right and at times, wrong places.

     This summer I have searched in many of the right places even though they have back-fired momentarily, however, the destructive path I leave behind only leaves unsettled emotions and unended closure with certain individuals. Closure, for me, is what plants the foundation for living in denial by trying to forget who and what I truly love…

     I may know these people that I love and behaviors I can’t live without, but finding perfection in one person or thing may not mean it’s perfect for you. This is my only explanation for some major decisions I’ve made this summer.