.::Messy::.

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People are messy.

I have come to this conclusion as of late, that of all the messy people I know; I am without a doubt the messiest of us all. It has been said that from great pain, passion grows. The passion from this pain manifests in ways I could have never foreseen. Standing in the muck of my "problems" I have not been able to see the real issues rooting me to the same spot. When others have tried to show me truth, I have rejected it. Screaming to them, “how dare you judge me! You are not me. You do not know what it is like in my shoes.”

 What I have learnt is that even though others have good intentions of "getting through" to me, words alone cannot reach me. I must take the mirror into my own hands and stare back. Looking at what is truly there. I have moaned and groaned and tried to "fix" others while I have been here in the muck with horrible results. Losing loved ones because of misplaced fears, and whispers of preconceived notions has been heartbreaking. Knowing someone for several seasons and then slowly drifting apart is one thing. It is entirely something else to have it "knocked down and dragged out".

 My entire life, I have run from adversity. Sticking my head in the sand and pretended as if things were not in fact happening as I was seeing them. It has been a hard year to go from one extreme to another. While I am guilty of many wrong-doings, I have been slapped in the face and shocked to feel that way. Tact has been something I have been lacking as of late. I honestly can’t say I miss it. My version of tact was sugar coating crap. It did not exactly work. It was too much, and unreal.

On the flip side, taking my crap and throwing it around has been of no use either. Telling someone that you do not approve of something or someone in their lives never ends well.  I cringe at being judged, yet it seems as if I have been going around with a magic wand judging others. I’ve been an absolute walking contradiction for sometime now.

Now being on the other side of this all, I have grown. Some have been lost along the way, but maybe we all grew apart a long time ago and did not see it. Maybe I am wrong, but that feels right to a degree. Or maybe it’s easier to deal with if I believe that there was in fact a distance there anyways. I suppose if such distance was there, possibly it was my doing.

I f

eel I have changed. I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing yet. That is not a happy notion. The unknown is not easy.

For my many faults, I blame no one but myself. You see, I’m just this girl. Full of mistakes. Trying to not just get by in life. Yearning to actually live it well. While I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up, I have a good idea of who I want her to be. I’m not there yet, but I’m not done trying. I will fall on my face many more times; but I will spit out the mud by only the grace of God. Take one foot out of the mud, and put it in front of the other again and again.

So, yeah. People are messy, but I stand here the messiest of them all.