I AM greatful

I am very greatful for my life. I do not deserve this life. I know this. I have everything I ever wanted. A amazing husband. The light of my life children. So why do I feel this way? I have everything I have ever wanted and prayed for.
My husband loves me like I am a saint. He looks at me like I walk on gold. He honestly worships me. He loves me endlessly. Every single day he tells me how greatful he is for meeting me. He tells me how beautiful I am, how “sexy” I am. He tells me how intelligent I am. He thinks I’m out of his league. He doesn’t understand how he would “get a girl like me”. And believe me I do love him. I am very greatful for him. I’m grateful for him. He would do absolutely anything for me. He stands by my side when I’m in the depths of my mind. So why can’t I show affection? That’s a big struggle in our relationship. I can’t express my affection for him. I’ve never really been able to do that with anyone. I’m always ready for the moment they leave me. I’ve been with him for 10 years (given me leaving him 2X) but I know he would never leave me. Yet I left him? I rekindled with someone during that time. And this man, I  did not deserve at my lowest but I got it. This man is someone so special to me. There was never anything romantic that happened. But it was a feeling I never felt before for someone. I felt my mind, body, spirit were connected to him. I began to love him. I spent so many hours connecting with him. Forgetting the sorrows i felt. He made me feel like someone. Like something. I wanted to be with him but he had expressed and,I too, that we didn’t want anything romantic at the time. I will always feel like perfect person wrong timing type shit. We eventually stopped talking, sadly. I felt I began to let myself fall for him. I needed out. I could be vulnerable for him but I was. He became someone I thought about all the time. Someone I longed to talk to everyday. Someone I valued. It scared me so I had to stop. I still think about him everyday to this day. I still have so much love for him. I can’t help but to think what if. What if it worked.

I hate myself for that. that I hurt my husband while in my darkest times. I resented him and I still don’t understand fully why I did. I know I struggled pretty hard with anxiety and depression mixed with post partum depression. I absolutely crushed him when I left him. I felt nothing. He was in a deep depression when I left him and at the time I didn’t care at all. There is a lot of residual damage that I’m still trying to clean up for that.
my children? They are the best part of me. I believe they are the only good parts of me. I look at them and I could cry. How can I, a damaged, broken girl, make such perfect kids. My kids are strong. They are fearless. They are beautiful. They look at me like I am a perfect person. They look at me like I am their super hero. I am their safe spot. They’re hurt? They come to me. They’re sad? They come to me. They’re tired? They come to me. They want comfort? They come to me. It’s always me that they are looking for. So why can’t I see myself the way my family does? I know I am beyond blessed to be their mother. And honest to God I don’t deserve them. I don’t know why God gave me them but I am so thankful he did.
I just struggle with understanding why I have so many people in my life who think I’m golden?
in a recent conversation with my brother he asked me how bad did I struggle growing up. It was a very raw conversation for me. But if there’s anyone that knows me you know that I am an open book. I will tell anything you want to know. I will answer any questions you may have. I DO credit myself for being a honest person. Anyways, my brother asked how bad I struggled with depression growing up. I told him it was overwhelmingly bad. On most days I wanted to die. I wanted to suffer. I think that was hard for him to hear. He broke for a minute. I heard his voice crack before asking me if I ever harmed myself. I answered of course I did. He asked how and why. I told him I would cut my thighs because I felt I deserved pain. He asked if I felt relief while doing it. I told him I never felt relief, I just felt pain. A burning and stinging. Anytime I moved, walked, sat, stood, it was a reminder for me. Hearing him cry for me sucked. It hurt to know that hurt him. He told me “You’re  my little sister and I love you. You’ve always looked out for me but I’m your big brother and I should have looked out for you.  I’m so sorry you felt this way and I didn’t know about it. I didn’t care about it.” I don’t blame him. I love him. I’m greatful for him.

with all this being said I’m greatful I’m here today. I DO love my life but I, like many many people just struggle with the what ifs of life. I know my punctuation is shit. I’m writing this fast while I feel it. Usually when I go to write something my mind goes blank. This is just a journal for myself. To look back on. To express myself. I don’t wish for anyone to read this or see this. I just want an outlet.