4/18/07

It has been forever and a day since i wrote and i have so much to get off my chest.. I need to ramble. To start with i have been fighting nonstop with my boyfriend. I am wondering if it’s worth it anymore… We go thru this every winter. He is laid off every winter… Financially were ok… No stress there… The stress is his Cabin Fever.. It gets to the point where i can’t do anything around the house, meaning he is always up in my shit..Drives me insane.  We have been together 16 Years and i don’t really feel the need to spend every waking moment with him.. I want and need ME time… He is finally back to work… But i am still stressed.. It’s hard to remember why your here when you have done nothing but fight lately… I don’t really let any of my friends know whats going on , so this is my little secret kind of thing. and it gets hard to cope with… On a good note however i have finally got control of my credit… I was never lessoned on the importance of credit and what it means… I found out the hard way what it’s all about, and found out mine was not good. I have fought for years to get things off that are wrong, pay things that are needing paid… And finally within the past 6 months all of my hard work seems to be paying off. I could not be happier …. I am teaching my son everything that i wish someone had taught me…  I can only hope that he pays attention. I have been having a huge struggle within lately.. I am FIRMLY against going to a doctor, to the point that  i am fully prepared  to go to my grave with never visiting one again.. Well lately  i have been wondering if that is something that i want to stick with… I still don’t want to go for my reasons… I am not scared, nervous, shy, i have my reasons… What has me questioning it is… Is it fair to my family and friends??  Lets say i do die and if i would have went to the doctor and prolonged my life… Is that fair to them?? Even if it’s what i want?  Work has been very stressful.. I have a stressful job to begin with, when the co-workers start going psyco on each other it makes it unbearably stressful.. Bitchs!!  I really need a vacation… By myself… Is that weird?? Not wanting to see or talk to anyone for  a few days… Get a cabin in the woods by myself, laptop ,books, wine and some tv… I can dream can’t i… The biggest thing bothering me lately is the fact that i no longer care to have sex… Sort of like the doctor thing i could live the rest of my life without it and be happy… This has me torn cause i do it to make my honey happy but i don’t want it… I am an adult that was sexually abused as a child . my perception of sex has never been healthy .. I know it would spell The End in my relationship, which is sad cause i believe you can have a relationship without sex… It might even be better… My honey has a normal sex drive, it is not his fault, he is not bad in bed.. I know it’s me , what happened to me cost me alot, cost me my whole family.. Every and i mean every member of my family , aunts, mom, dad, grandma  you name it turned on me , i was a dirty little girl who could not possibly be telling the truth… My brother is the only one i talk to , and that is stressed at best some times… The rest of my family i have not talked to in almost 20 years…Wow i just had a moment… I can’t believe i am still this affected and this upset about this after all this time…WTF…