The Elusive Lesson

When am I ever going to learn?  Never, it would seem…which…I think we’ve all pretty much known for a long fucking time now.  We all know me (well…me at some stage, anyway)…ever the reactionary, always making the "obvious" conclusion.  ::shakes head::  And, yet, here I am again…having learned nothing even tonight.  So I can’t help but repeat myself….  When am I ever going to learn?

To explain…

Ever since declaring my life’s greatest fear a reality, I’ve come to doubt that conclusion more and more every single day.  I think I let the funny looks people gave me get to me.  Mess with my head, so to speak.  Now, I’m not going to sit here and be a complete apologist (though I know I should).  It’s just that, now, I’ve said things I can’t take back.  All the pieces I put together in the beginning, seem to have been the truth.  For the last few weeks, all Will has talked about has been getting an Xbox so as to play Halo.  He called me yesterday asking about Dynasty Warriors 4 (I had to set him straight and tell him DW5 was infinitely better….he now agrees after spending many hours with it), because he just wanted to do things that he and I used to do.  It was those two things most of all that led me to think I was probably wrong.

Then, she spoke.

Obviously, I’d taken for granted that neither of them would read that entry.  And I dunno what compelled Mo to read it.  But she did.  And her four simple words told me all I needed to know.  The words?  "We need to talk."  And what was the first thing that crossed my mind as I read that?

"Oh…fucking…shit…"

That’s verbatim.  Pauses and all.  She’s emailed me many ways to contact her so this matter can all be discussed (nevermind that she has to be pissed the fuck off at all the stuff I’ve said about her and I), but………..I’m not sure what I want to do.  Knowing I’m wrong about something so….important….  Well, that makes me want to just cower in a corner and wish I’d said nothing.  And the person I’ve become in recent years would do that without hesitation.  And I may yet.  Like I said…I’m not sure at this point.  That’s something I’m going to have to figure out over the next day or two.  Just knowing I was wrong…yeah, that’s good.  Of course, having to be proven wrong about something like this…well…it makes me a downright horrible friend to him, and a reprehensible person to her (I know I wouldn’t call me a friend if I was her, which, of course, I’m not…I’m just sayin’…nevermind….someone take the shovel from my hands so I’ll stop digging).

Anyway.  I guess what I’m saying is……………..courage, balls, decency.  Do I have these things anymore?  I guess we’ll find out.

Sayonara.

p.s.  We all know I’m going to have to do this.  It’s like getting to be a rubber-necker at the accident you yourself have been involved in.  You can’t not do it.  I just have to remove my testicles from the safe deposit box they’re currenty kept in so I can face this as I rightfully should.

p.s.s. Would you believe I’m still fighting off the crud from the day of drinking in Columbus and the three hours of horrible weather in Cleveland?  Sucks.  But do I complain?  Well…yeah.  Of course I do.  Because I wouldn’t be me otherwise.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "I’m Alive" by Disturbed, "Back Home" by Cold, and "The Promise of Fever" by Cradle of Filth

Ok.  For reals this time.

Sayonara.