Owning My Okayness
I can’t decide anymore if I’m content or horribly unhappy with life. That probably has something to do with drifting back and forth between the two on a sometimes hourly basis. Yesterday, it was killing me to be alone and have nothing to do, and tonight, I was happy as a pig in shit that all I was doing was playing Xbox alone for hours. Of course, I worked today, which I didn’t do yesterday, so maybe that also had something to do with it. I dunno. Earlier today, I caught myself smiling in the mirror and wondered aloud if it was okay for me to be doing so. I’m not really sure why. It’s almost like I feel as if I’m supposed to be depressed. I think that’s my stepmom’s browbeating talking.
Speaking of which…
I went to my dad’s Sunday to do some maintenence on my car (he’s always glad to help, considering my total ineptitude with such things). Change the brake pads, oil, wipers…small shit. Anywho… I felt very different being there. It wasn’t like home anymore. And I was more confident than I was when I left there all of two months ago. And it’s almost like I feel guilty or something for that, because it’s like I shouldn’t be that way. Again, I feel like I’m supposed to be depressed, but I’m not. Well, not most of the time. So I suppose what I’m saying here is anyone’s guess…because I don’t have a fucking clue. As if that’s a new thing…
Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox: "I’m a Souljah" by Bionic Jive and Eminem, "Happens All the Time" by Cold, and "Fully Alive" by Flyleaf
There’s about to be a huge rush of CD’s coming out that I’m going to just have to get. Starting on August 9 and ending on September 20 (as it stands now, anyway) there are at least 5 or 6 coming out I just can’t do without. This includes new stuff from Cold, Staind, Disturbed, Taproot, and Hootie and the Blowfish. Considering how little I listen to CD’s anymore (and yet, I listen to tons of music…how is this possible?), I’m going to have to pick it up a lot to fully enjoy all this new shit. Not that this is a problem or anything… Having a glut of new music is always a good thing.
After weeks of stalling, I finally gave in tonight and actually ate a concoction that’s been brewing in my mind for a while. And I must say, it was pretty good. I got the idea from just sitting and eating out of a jar of marshmallow creme, and starting thinking about tasty sounding ways to combine it with other things. The most appetizing was with peanut butter. So I did that. The two tastes went together pretty well. It wasn’t horribly mismatched like, say, sushi and ice cream, or shrimp and chocolate syrup. Of course, it isn’t exactly health food either…not that much of what I eat is. Can I help it if I like junk? Can I help it if I dislike eating vegetation? Perhaps…but that’s a much deeper issue than you might think, and I don’t wanna get into all that psychosomatic type shit this late at night.
I’ve been sitting here for the last twenty minutes just trying to think of something else to type about, and all I could come up with that’s actually worth mentioning is this:
If I had a dollar for every unfinished writing project, and five dollars for every finished one, I’d have more total money in ones than fives.
I think the problem is that I’m an idea machine with no patience. I can come up with good beginnings, good endings and some decent dialogue, but getting plot points from A to B is weak for me, simply because it takes a lot of time to write it up. Even if I know how I want to get somewhere, I still have to build up to it more slowly than I’d like, which I find bothersome despite then fundamentality of it. Even with a short story, I inevitably lose patience with the process and move on to starting something else I won’t finish. Occasionally, I will come back to something and finish it up, but that’s been the exception rather than the rule. At least so far. There’s always hope it’ll change. Perhaps if my attention span grew beyond nanoseconds I’d have something. Or maybe not.
And so, this literally full, but figuratively empty entry comes to an overdue close. If that even makes sense.
Sayonara.