Overtaking the Light

Really quickly, this went from an unfinished/never-should-have-been-started conversation, to something that I don’t even want to fathom the repercussions of.  And all in just about five seconds of time.

I was 90 minutes late to work today (overslept…big surprise), yet I lied about why to everyone who asked, and it isn’t like anyone had reason to doubt me.  So they didn’t.  Everything went fine and normal until about three o’clock today (which is normally when I’d be leaving, but I had to stick around an extra two hours to make up my lateness from today and yesterday).  I was coming out of the bathroom when I bump into Shera, who is re-signing the drapery.  She asks me to come talk to her while she works, which, of course, I do.  And, inevitably, we end up talking about "the conversation" again.  She tells me it would’ve happened whether she was drunk or not.  And she proceeds to tell me how Augie tends to treat her poorly, and that she thinks he might be cheating on her.  Then she tells me she talked to her mom about me yesterday……..but wouldn’t tell me about that.  I didn’t push because I, frankly, didn’t want to know.  Well, I did want to know.  But I probably shouldn’t know.  Something like that.  Anyway, thirty minutes later, I decided I need to get back to my office and act busy.  Yeah, I know.  I just spent half an hour fucking about on the sales floor.  With my boss’s girlfriend.  In view of others.  In a highly gossipy environment.  So Augie will probably hear about it.  And that’s not all bad.  I can deny it’s anything serious.  He trusts me enough (though…….should he?).  When Shera got off work, she came by my office, as I asked her to, so I could let her borrow the notebook containing the Darin/Ayme story (she wanted to read something I’d written, and I offered that since it’s new).  Again, all fine and dandy.  I went to Best Buy after work (bought Phobia by Breaking Benjamin, Dogma and Dr. Strangelove on DVD….2 for 1!).  Not even ten minutes after I walk in the apartment door, my phone rings with a number I don’t recognize.  When I hear the sheepish female voice on the other end, I know immediately that it’s Shera.  The only way I could think of that she even got my phone number was by looking through Augie’s phone list.  But that wasn’t it (and he wasn’t home at the time, by the way).  The other day, Augie went to apply at a gym, and they asked him for a list of people to call as, like, referrals, or some such shit.  I was one of them.  She memorized my phone number then.

The conversation started with her telling me how much she liked the beginning of my story, telling me her favorite part so far, wondering if any of it was true, and so on.  Then she started telling me how badly Augie treats her (it’s almost like psychological abuse….if it’s true), how much she likes that I actually listen to her (because he apparantly doesn’t), and just all this shit that I don’t really need to know….given the situation that this is all becoming.  During the conversation, Augie beeps in on her, and she pisses him off by criticizing his driving ability (or lack thereof) while he talks on the phone.  She told me she was going to have to erase my number from her call history because he’d check to see if she’d been calling other guys (and I erased it from mine, too, just in case).  About five to ten minutes later, in mid-sentence, she abruptly hangs up on me (most likely because he just got home).  Now I’m freaking out because I’m afraid of what this situation is turning into.

I feel like such a fucking cock.  There’s just no other way to say it.  I’m at war with myself over this, I guess.  The good side of me wants nothing to do with this because it’s just wrong.  I don’t want any part of the (seemingly) impending break up of the relationship of one of my good friends.  I feel responsible for it (whether I should or not is irrelevant….I feel as though I am).  I don’t want to give Shera any advice that might lead her to break up with him, even if everything she tells me about how he is at home screams at me to tell her to dump him.  Given that I know how she feels about me………….I feel like I can’t be the person who tells her to just end it.  It makes me look selfish, not to mention like a complete and utter fucking bastard.  Then there’s the dark side of me……the side very, very few people have ever seen.  That’s the part of me that is relishing all this.  It’s telling me to do what I can to drive her away from him, and try to win her for myself.  It’s telling me that their problems are nothing to do with me, and that I just happen to be the guy she’s reaching out to, and to take advantage of it.  These two things are completely going to war inside of my head right now.  And part of me hopes the dark side wins.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "MIne" by Taproot, "Dance With the Devil" by Breaking Benjamin, and "This Time is for Real" by Ill Nino

It’s funny how life works, I guess.  The exact last place I ever thought I’d find myself is exactly where I’ve ended up.  The last thing I ever wanted to do to a friend is fuck up their relationship.  And if I’m doing it this time, it’s been completely unintentional.  The only reason I ever even started being nice to Shera (and I’ve told her so) is because she was, indeed, Augie’s girlfriend.  Obviously, I like her enough on her own for that not to matter anymore.  And it doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself it could never be between her and I (forgetting the obvious that right now she’s with Augie).  She’s too young (18).  She has serious issues (not that we all don’t, but hers are…well….I don’t even know the depth of them all just yet…..suffice to say, there’s tons).  I think I’d be terrible for her (not that my opinion matters).  But we connect really well.  I want to tell myself that, sometimes, you just find someone that fits you better, so as to justify if she did leave him for me.  And we’re almost too similar (which is a point of the attraction, I’ll admit).  I’ve seen (and done) that many times, and it practically never works. 

I guess I just really don’t know if it’ll be worth all the grief that could come from this.  Or if I’d even allow anything to happen because of what that would do to my friendship with Augie, not to mention pretty much everyone else at work.  I’d become the outcast, the pariah, the fucking prick that no one wants to be associated with.

I just can’t silence the dark side…

Sayonara.

p.s.  There’s a piano/string section version of "Diary of Jane" as track 14 on Phobia that is flat out fucking amazing.