My Greatest Fear Come to Life

How can one man be so naive?

Seriously.  How could I have not seen this all along?  Then again, I have seen this coming for years.  Actually, I’ve seen it coming since June 8, 2001 (which is the day I read this). Once I found out she liked him better from the first time she saw us…I’ve known (and alternately, feared) that things would turn out this way.  So when I found the proof I’ve long sought earlier tonight, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. 

Except that it did.

That isn’t to say I never thought it was possible.  On the contrary, I’ve known it was likely since the night he moved there with her.  Every person I’ve told that to has looked at me like I’m retarded when I say, "But there’s nothing going on between ’em."  Which I never had proof of, either way.  Just this past weekend, my older brother Jason gave me that exact look.  But despite that look from everyone else…EVERYTHING pointed to Will and Mo being together.  Absolutely everything.  Except for one, single thing.

I trusted him.

I trusted him to not date my ex-girlfriend.  The girl I loved so much.  I’ve known him for twenty years, and trusted him with my life.  I trusted him not to do to me what someone had done to him, which sent him into a years long tailspin.  At the very, very, rock bottom least…I trusted him to ask me if it was okay.  Except that I knew he wouldn’t if the situation presented itself.

I guess it just really really hurt to see her handwriting telling him all the things I’d dreamed of her telling me.  Mostly, telling him how much she loved him.  Yeah.  That’s the exquisite pain I’ve long expected, but kept denying would ever come.  All the pictures she sent to him.  All the cards and letters she wrote him.  I never got anything like that.  The only picture I have of her is one my mother took.  I sent her a copy, of course, but what I’m saying here is that she never sent me any picture.  Only a couple cards (including one on Valentine’s Day, 2003…two weeks after she dumped me).  No real letters.  Basically what all this shit tells me is that I’ve been right all along:  She only liked me at all because I never wavered in my devotion to her…I was too persistent to turn away from.  She never really liked me, just that I liked her…a lot.

Given that she does not (and I know now, will not) speak to me, I assume she knows she’s done me wrong.  And I don’t think she gives a fuck.  Will not saying in anything is a little different.  I’m sure he thinks he’s "protecting" me by not saying anything about it.  Not thinking I could possibly put the puzzle together on my own, which, given how obvious it was to everyone else, wouldn’t take much putting together.  He never mentions her to me.  I used to that might mean he didn’t hang out with her much, but that’s just a retarded assumption made by a mind desperately searching for any other explanation than the obvious.

So now that I know all this, now that the truth is in front of my face…  What the fuck do I do with it?  I know I need to bring it up to Will and get some kind of explanation about…well…about everything.  But will I?  I dunno.  Quite frankly, I don’t know if this even should bother me at this point.  They got together (best I can tell) about two years after she dumped me.  But I think it should bother just because of who they are:  the best friend and the ex-girlfriend.  You just don’t do that.  I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough.

Until then………..courage.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "A Different Kind of Pain" and "Happens All the Time" by Cold and "Overburdened" by Disturbed

Sayonara.