More Than Anything…

I love her.

The words mean everything, but they just never quite feel powerful enough for what it is I feel in my heart.  I always feel compelled to modify the phrase with words like, "so very, very much," or "more than _____."  Anything like that.  The dull ache in my chest that always accompanies such feelings only intensifies every time I’m with her.  Or even just talk to her.  It just feels as if it’s all going to make my squishy center explode like Mr. Stay-Puft at the end of Ghostbusters.  Just on a slightly smaller scale (wish as I might, I’ll never be a 100ft. marshmallow man).  But, to regain my focus here, I just feel like the simple, yet still powerful, words just don’t express it enough.

The way she talks when she’s half-asleep.  The way she continues to express new levels of nerdiness to me.  The fact that she always comes to me first when she needs a calming influence.  The way she sings along with the CD player in the car while on the phone with me……then breaks out into screaming at someone to speed up or get out of the way.  The fact that she knows exactly how to cut me off when I start to ramble.  The way we can carry on entire conversations about anything and everything (this is no shit:  we had a "Hitler/Stalin" conversation on my lunch break on Monday……that’s a first for me).  The way that she constantly reminds me that no one will ever come before me.  The way she can be so confident, strong, and outgoing, but also be insecure, timid, and shy all at the same time.  The fact that anyone always knows where they stand with her.  The incredible, incredible amount of strength she displays every single day.  The fact that she pulls no punches (both figuratively and literally….my chest can vouch for that one today).  The depth of her passion for the things she truly loves and truly believes in.  Her unwavering devotion.  The way the "innocent, carefree look" can become the "deep in thought look" in mere seconds.  Her creativity.  The way she takes such pride in all her accomplishments.  The strength and grace with which she lives her life despite being constantly dealt the shittiest of hands.  The fact that she knows every corner of my mind…..and I of hers.

I could sit here for days and just make lists of every single little thing that makes me love her more and more each day.  But I won’t do that.  Not today, anyway.  I have to save something for the next time.

The best way I think I could put it has become clear to me in the past couple of weeks.  I always used to say that I loved nothing more than just the simple act of being alive.  It was the greatest treasure I could imagine.  Well…that’s no longer true.  I can say beyond any and all doubt that I love Shera more than I love living.  That probably sounds suicidal or something (which it’s not, of course), but I just mean to say that I love her more than the one thing I thought could never be topped.  She is now the greatest treasure ever placed on my world.  And no matter what…….she always will be.

I love you, Sweetheart.

Sayonara.