Logic vs. Self-Loathing vs. Reality
The fact that Shera is embracing her 18 year old-ness doesn’t bother me. Really, it doesn’t. What does bother me, however, is the fact that it keeps her from being with me. It discludes me from any and all activities in her life. It means she’s going to go out and party. It means she’ll be meeting tons of other dudes….whom she’ll refer to as "my new friend," but who really only wants to date her or get in her pants. And she’ll spend time with them all. And then she’ll wonder why it hurts me to hear about it. And she’ll apologize for it hurting me.
But, really, all it does is make me feel like I’m just not good enough. In my head, all this says to me is that she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her. Because if she did think I was good enough, if she really did want to be with me, that urge would overpower the inner party girl. But it doesn’t even come close. I’m absolutely zero competition for a party. Or dinner with a "new friend." Or pretty much anything god damn else. I realize I get pretty much all of her free time. But 85% of that is spent on the phone….if not more than that. I’m lucky to see her more than once a week…..even if I tailor my schedule to fit when she’d be free. It’s like she just doesn’t want to spend time with me sometimes.
And this is despite the fact that I know she likes to spend time with me. Today, we spent my lunch break (and her break between classes) walking around the mall together for about 35 minutes. It made my fucking day. Seriously, it just made my day. And for hours afterward, she kept telling me how great it was to see me. Even told me she loved me (while wide awake, for once). But here we are tonight, with me sitting at home smothering myself in my own God-forsaken jealousy and paranoia…..and her at a haunted house with her newest "new friend." She’s so naive about males sometimes. She keeps thinking they just want to be her friend, then she’s shocked, shocked, I say, when it becomes clear they want to date her. Meanwhile, I just keep saying, "I told you so." And, most of all, I just keep myself sane. Sometimes barely, sometimes easily. And I try not to take it out on her, ever. I know that right now she doesn’t need me to want her….she needs me to just be there for her. To be her friend. But she knows where I really stand. She knows simply being her friend isn’t going to suffice for me forever.
She’s told me that she just doesn’t want to be with anyone right now. And yet, she keeps (what I refer to as) "interviewing potentials" every single fucking day, it seems like. There’s a war going on inside me….that’s no secret to her, either. There’s the part of me that desperately wants to just be with her and that’s it. But there’s also the part of me that’s convinced that will never, ever happen…..despite the fact that she alludes to our eventual getting together as inevitable…..just as soon as partying is out of her system again. So I remain hopeful and hopeless all at once. And I just keep watching guy after guy piss her off and get left off to the side, while I keep getting to talk to her most of the day, and the entirety of the night…..until she falls asleep on the phone with me.
Logic tells me I should be thankful for that. And I should, honestly. It tells me I have permanent standing as the rock-solid male in her life. But it’s like she doesn’t want to spend time with me sometimes. At least, I feel like it’s the case sometimes. And I tend to believe it’s because she thinks I’m just no fun, so she spends time with me out of pity or obligation.
Sometimes, though………………sometimes I think it’s because, when she’s with me, she finds herself wanting to be with just me, and that it goes against what the rest of her wants right now. We’ve both said it that, right now, we’re just friends who happen to share quite deep feelings for each other. But friends don’t kiss each other compulsively. Friends don’t tell each other they love them….really, really love them. So, in reality, we’re stuck somewhere inbetween friends and lovers. And I fucking loathe it. And it makes me loathe myself sometimes.
The shit part of it is that there’s no one left for me to talk to this about except Shera herself….which, in cases such as this one, just won’t do. This whole thing between Shera and I has alienated myself from all my few remaining friends….to the point that I can’t talk to them about it anymore. I know Monica hates me for it now, and that means, by extension, Will is pissed off, too. So I know they won’t care what I have to say about it. And I don’t think anyone else would really even understand the situation because it would require so much backstory that it isn’t even funny. No one wants to listen to all that fucking bullshit.
So this pretty much means I have to sit here and just work it all out for myself, which, as we all well know, is dangerous. I think it’s what has led me to so fucking many crying spells recently. It’s becoming too much to bear sometimes. But I don’t really have a choice, do I? I refuse to give up on being with her. The hopeful side of me truly believes it will happen, given time.
I just don’t know if the rest of me will survive long enough to get there……………
Sayonara.