Inexplicable

The moment the conversation was over…I knew this was going to be one of those things that I just can’t explain to anyone and have it make any sense.  I think…no, I take that back…I know it’s going to be one of those things that people just aren’t going to understand, no matter how hard I make them try to.  But y’know what?  I don’t really care if anyone understands.  That isn’t important.  All that matters is that I know.

To reset…

Thursday night, I sat down and had a long conversation with Mo.  Honestly, I’d been dreading it all day because I was anticipating being yelled at for some reason.  I felt like Charlie Steiner in the old ESPN "This is SportsCenter" commercial where Evander Holyfield was walking the halls yelling, "Charlie!  Come on out and get yer whuppin’!"  And the camera then cuts to Steiner hiding under a desk.  Anyway.  For some reason, I felt like I was going to just flat out get lit up.  Perhaps something she’d written me led me to believe my conclusions from a few entries back were completely off base.  In fact, I know that’s what it was.  Something she’d said made me think I was wrong, and that she would be quite angry.

When the conversation began, I saw immediately I was wrong.  In fact, I’d guessed completely right about she and Will being together.  Turns out this had been hidden from me for a very, very long time.  Well over a year.  So all the times he’d visited her alone and I’d lost sleep wondering…I’d been right to worry.  Anyway.  She told me that she’d wanted to tell me from the beginning, that keeping it a secret made it seem shady (I agreed).  But Will was dead against it.  He was too concerned I’d be A-1 fucking pissed off and never want to talk to him again…kind of like when Bobby yanked Alissa from him.  Except it was nothing like that.  To start, Mo and I were never nearly as serious as Will and Alissa, no matter how much I may have made it seem like I was that serious about her.  It wasn’t even close, ok?  Not in the same zip code.  Second, Will didn’t steal her out from under me.  It was over a year after the fact.  But still, he was terrified that I’d want to kick the shit out of him, basically.

Perhaps even more disturbing (to me, anyway) was the Will’s mother flat out lied to me about it all.  I’m sure he asked her not to tell me what was going on at the time, but still…  The week after he left town, I wondered aloud to his mom whether or not anything was going on with the two of them.  She said something to the effect of, "Well, I hope not, Dave.  That’d be pretty bad, considering Bobby did the same thing to him…" (keeping in mind how I’ve detalied how it was different).  So she pretty much just lied to me, to my face.

But having said all of this, and having all such fears confirmed, and so on and so forth, I have to say…  I’m not angry.  That’s the thing I don’t think anyone is going to be able to understand.  Here are two people who have meant more to me and my life than any other people alive (well, aside from the obvious birthgivers).  My best friend of 20 years, and the girl I loved as much as life itself…together, without telling me anything, letting me find out for myself.  And I’m just not mad about it.  The time between writing the entry detailing the discovery and having the conversation with Mo Thursday night…it was a time of reflection for me.  I saw that this didn’t bother me as much as I said it did.  After that initial emotional purge…it was gone.  All the hurt, all the pain, all the suffering.  Gone.  The only thing I could claim to have been mad about was that no one told me anything over the course of it all.

But even that I couldn’t be mad about.  Had they told me initially, when everything started, I would definitely have hated them both with everything breath I took and every beat of my heart.  Without a shadow of a doubt.  If they had told me the night Will left town, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t still be here right now.  It turns out that the time I found it out for myself was the absolute perfect time.  It was a time where I was finally in a place to be able to accept it and be fine with it.  I haven’t been in a place like that for a very long time.  Over three years.  It’s something I’ve gradually come into without even realizing it.

Like I said…I don’t expect anyone to understand how I can still say Will is my best friend on earth, and that I’m now willing to actually re-open the lines of communication with Mo after not speaking to each other since somewhere about February/March.  Most people probably would call me a fucking dumbass.  And that’s fine.  I can certainly understand why someone would say that.  Oh well, though.  I made sure to tell Mo that I didn’t really hate her.  Because I don’t.  I didn’t really mean all the impossibly mean things I said about her, and about how she had felt about me.  That was just me being upset.  I tend to be irrational and melodramatic that way (just ask the half shattered light switch cover in my kitchen, courtesy of a thrown Mountain Dew bottle during a Soul Calibur III session).

I guess what I’m saying, in summation, is that I’m not mad, I don’t hate them, I don’t expect anyone else to understand, and I’m content with my life.  Not happy, necessarily…but content.  And like I told Mo…that’s enough for me right now, because it’s a better place to be than anywhere else I’ve been in quite a long time.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "One More Day" by Mushroomhead, "Land of Confusion" by Disturbed, and "End of the World" by Cold

I’ll be back again pretty soon, if for no other reason than to ramble during extended tiredness.  Thank you very much 60 hour work weeks!  Got in 11 hours today, and will get another 13 in tomorrow.  Good times.  I’m out like a plastered teenager.

Sayonara.