A Massive Venting

I would expect that this is going to garner much more of a response like, "I told you so, fucktard," than it would anything that resembles sympathy.  It’s quite safe to say that this whole fucked up situation has done nothing short of alienating the few friends I had left when it started.  Seriously, I’ve been left with no one else to talk to about any of this because it reached a point where no one wanted to listen to me……they just wanted to tell me how I was fucking up and how I was being a retarded lemur, that this was all going to end badly and that I would get hurt, and blah blah blah blah.  It was like no one ever cared that I thought whatever happened would be worth it all if things end as I hope(d).  It was just too easy to criticize.  Really, that’s the way it always is when you’re on the outside, especially if you’ve never been anywhere near the center of things.  But, y’know….at this point, I’m pretty used to being called fucking stupid for the things I let myself get into.  And the past year of my life has given me two picture perfect examples of this exact thing….

The first was, of course, from last year.  No one understood how it was that I could bear no ill will against Will or Monica after finding out they were together.  To this day, even, no one but they and myself understand.  And that’s because no one else was anywhere near the center of that situation but us.  It was our shit, and no one else was privvy to the conversations.  No one else was privvy to our feelings.  No one else was able to wander around in this fucked up mass of grey matter I call my brain.  In the end, I did what made the most sense to me, anyone who couldn’t understand it, be fucked.

But now I find them at odds with me over the second situation.  That being the relationship between Shera and I.  Frankly, I haven’t spoken to anyone but Shera about how it’s all going in weeks.  I realized that the thing causing the most trouble was me running my mouth and telling other people exactly how I felt all the time.  So I made the conscious decision to exclude everyone else from it all.  If all they were going to do was give me shit and tell me who fucking stupid I was, or how fucking idiotic she was…well…….I had no use for that.  And you know why?  For the exact same reasons as before…  No one else has ever sat and listened to Shera and I talk.  No one else has seen us when we’re together.  No one else is able to crawl into our heads to see exactly what goes on in them.  And, at this point, no one else even knows how I feel about any of it…….except for her, in ever single instance.

It’s amazing to me just how similarly our brains function.  I swear to you, I’ve never seen anything like it.  I always thought that no one would ever be able to make sense of my thought processes…how I arrive at conclusions, why I think the things I do, my highly paranoid behaviors, all of it and more……but Shera does.  She understands it so completely because hers works the exact same way.  Neither of us ever thought we’d meet someone who could figure us out so completely, and yet, here we are.  That’s the kind of thing you never, ever want to let go of, no matter what.

But now then…  The place the whole thing stands at this point is an entirely frustrating one for me.  There isn’t any other way to say it.  She knows how I feel about it.  I always tell her whatever crosses my mind.  And there has been much to make its way across the nether regions of my brain in the past month.  Essentially, it’s been like this…(and, sweetheart, if I get any of it wrong, tell me, and I’ll make sure I fix it to represent things completely truthfully)

After finally really and truly being done with Augie, Shera came to the decision that she didn’t want to be with anyone.  She wasn’t ready to settle down.  She wanted to act her age, for once.  She wanted to go out and have fun.  She wanted to be free.  Of course, the complicating factor was that we knew we were in love.  And so this, naturally, caused a lot of mental problems for me.  What was it about me that made me not good enough?  But I continued to stick by her.  I’ve always said I’d be willing to wait for my full-on opportunity for as long as it took, and I mean it.  Since that time, more guys have tried to get her to be with them, and she gives them all a chance in her own way.  Yeah, it’s very fucking difficult for me at times, and I’ve broken down quite often into a bawling, miserable wreck.  But, at the end of the night, she’s always there to pick me back up again.  Thus far, I have managed to outlast four guys (Augie, Josh, Chris, Jeff) since this all began.  Currently, I’m doing my best to outlast number five, Clint.  This one worries me more than the rest.  I’ve told Shera that repeatedly (as much as one can in ten days, I guess).  He lives a mere five or ten minutes away from her, which is an obvious advantage, as I live nearly an hour away.  He gets to see her far more often than I do, which, in my insecure little head, says more to me than it should.  (And I could just feel everyone else shaking their heads in disgust at this point, but y’know what?  Fuck ya, because, as I said earlier, you’re not in the middle of this, so you just don’t know).  The most worrisome thing, though, is something I don’t believe I’ve even told Shera yet.  And it’s that, for the first time, she hesitated to tell me the truth about it.  More than anything else about it, that shook me.  But anyway….

Right now, we’re stuck in that awkward middle area of "more than friends, but not a couple."  We really don’t know what to call each other when others ask.  But there are very important areas in which I know exactly where I stand.  The first is that I am the very first person Shera wants to talk to when there’s something wrong.  I know it’s important for the obvious reasons, but it’s also important because it’s a job Clint wants……which means he knows it’s important.  Shera told him he couldn’t have it because it belongs to me.  Secondly, I am still the last person she talks to every night, and am quite often the first person she talks to in the morning.  And I know she misses me when we don’t get to see each other much.  And I know that she loves me still.  She’s seen fit to keep me around through a lot of horrible shit that I’ve done to her and put her through…….stuff that other gentlemen have been cast aside for doing less than.  Essentially, I am her rock.  Meanwhile, of course, she’s my world.  I have confidence that, as has been the case every time so far, I shall remain the only one left standing when all is said and done.

I refuse to give up on this.  I know the vast majority of other people would have done exactly that on this whole thing by now.  But they would be the fools.  She hates that she puts me through this.  Truly she does (and I can hear you scoffing).  All I can do, though, is support her, remind her how I feel, and just be the best "friend"to her I can right now.  I’ve told her repeatedly that just being her friend will not suffice for me in the long term, so she knows this.

Not that I expect anyone else to understand…  No one’s ever tried to before, so why start now?

Sayonara.