Rambles

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve believed that my whole life. While we might not see the greater picture now, in time we will.

Life without ups and downs would be boring. That feeling of love that makes you warm and fuzzy? Wouldn’t feel as good without past heartache. So while I hate these down moments, I know it will make the better ones feel that much better.

I need a haircut, badly. I haven’t cut my hair since my profile pic. The center is so much longer than the sides, and it’s driving me nuts. The problem, is that I don’t have any energy lately to do anything, let alone cut my hair.

I need to muster up some energy to do it though. I know just that little bit will make me feel better, and I’m trying to change things for the better.

I’ve been sleeping “deeper”, like to the point where I dream frequently. That alone comes with it’s own issues. I never used to dream. I would just sleep, then wake up hours later as if I was in a sort of “hibernation”. But recently, every time I fall asleep I have such vivid dreams. My brain has this thing where it likes to take recent events and play them out in my dreams. The other night, I had a dream that “L” and I were in a happy committed relationship, and it was the best feeling in the world. So when I woke up, realized it was all a dream, I just lost control of my emotions.. It’s bad enough I have to deal with this shit when I’m awake, why do I have to suffer twice? Can I please go back to not having ANY dreams?

I’m just in a ramble type mood right now, so this is all over the place, but I felt I needed to write something.

I just miss that feeling of being loved, cared for, wanted.. I miss someone “wanting” to talk to me about their day, or someone missing me.. not to mention the physical intimacy. I talked briefly with “M” about that part. He’s gay, and he joked about just finding someone to “bang”. I told him, that while 95% of most straight males only want to bang, I don’t fit into that category.

He was kinda shocked when I told him how I feel about that. To me, I can’t just have sex with someone. To me, sex is something shared between two people in love. He was also shocked when I told him that as a straight guy… I don’t want/care for a 3-some. Most guys seem to, but not me. Again, it falls back on the “between two people in love” part. I don’t know.. that’s just how I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I do miss sex.. but it has to be with someone I have feelings for.