Out of my Hands..

Well, she already knew that I had feelings for her. She ended up making a joke saying “I’m just waiting for you to come out and say it..”

It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would. I thought it would ruin the friendship, and that we would never talk again. She even said she wanted things to stay the same between us.. and that made me somewhat happy. It wasn’t the outcome I wanted, but it’s better than nothing.

The problem now ( a few days later), is that her boyfriend is in town, spending time with her.. And she is 100% completely different. I knew we wouldn’t talk in a voice call, but I figured texts back and forth would have at least stayed the same. Nope. I’ll send her a text that says “Hope you slept well hun, I miss talking to you.” and all I get in response is like a 3-4 word reply after like 4 hours.  I think yesterday I sent her 3 texts, she sent one back. That alone makes me feel like she doesn’t want her boyfriend knowing how often we talk / how we talk? Idk. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

I keep thinking “Just 8 more days until he goes home, and things will be back to normal.” But that’s the problem, MAYBE they go back to how we talked when he isn’t there.. but like a week after he goes home, she is moving in with him. So, I guess “things staying the same” was a stretch. I hate being in love sometimes.. Especially when the other person is taken.

I’ve been sleeping a lot more lately, just so I don’t have to think about the situation and put myself through hell.. but now my dreams are even affected. Two dreams in a row now that I have woken up and just been completely depressed because I realize that it was ONLY a dream. My feelings for her have got me so fucked up. In 35 years, I have NEVER felt like this.. and I thought I was in love before..