Why Are You Calling Me?

First off, I hate panic attacks. I am so ticked off right now.

It’s back and it’s ruining my life.

I missed my 5K thanks to an awesome panic attack at 2am.

Not to mention the lack of sleep for the last 2 nights because of panic. Let me tell you…there was one occasion where my anxiety was REALLY getting in the way…but seriously last night was the worst.

My stomach was hurting and I’m SURE it was just normal monthly pains….ya know…but my mind would NOT shut up. I finally lost it at around 2 and drove to my parents house.

So I felt like ass by 6am when I needed to get up to head to the race…and also missed the poker run for which I have a new helmet to wear………all because of freaking anxiety.

This has to stop. It’s controling my life and I am SO irritated.

No one really knows how bad it’s been the last few days. There have been MANY times where my mind is racing and I haven’t said anything. At lunch with Kim today…in Target with kim yesterday…On my couch watching TV….out with Beth the other day……..We’re going downhill and it’s not cool. If you’ve never had anxiety then…it’s hard to explain. I never thought I’d end up like this…not able to control my thoughts. And believe me, I TRY…but it will spiral out of control and I can’t pull myself out.

Good news is last night when I got to mom’s I did manage to pull it together because I felt safe…and didn’t take a xanax.

Isn’t that retarded? They give me the pills and then tell me to NOT take them if at all possible.

So anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that we may need to up the zoloft. I’m on the lowest possible dose that they produce…so….I have plenty of room to wiggle.

The dr is supposed to call me Monday. Thankfully I felt better today with only mild amounts of anxiety so hopefully I’ll be able to stay at my apt tonight.

Hmm…I’m out of benedryl.

Eh, screw it. I do better without it.

Anyway…on to the title.

I was in Target with Kim and we ran in to mom. I told her I’d call her later as we were walking away and she goes "Why?" Like…I shouldn’t be calling her and it was concerning. LOL. Kim about died.

In other news…Stephen…….reminded me why I’m now single. God knows I love him…but you’d think now that we’re broken up…he’d be trying to get back together with me…since my point was…he needs to work on stuff.

(Kim, just stop reading, you’ve heard this)

I was talking to him Friday about my race and how I wasn’t feeling exactly awesome. He said he wanted to come to my race…I told him I was just going up, running and coming right back to do the poker run. He said he’d really wanted to make it to this one and he’d like to drive me incase I felt sick. I agreed because…it would be helpful and make me calmer to not be alone.

So a few hours later I talked to him again and he mentioned that if I needed him to pick anything up he’d be in Charlotte tomorrow.

And I was like whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Apparently he agreed to take his landlord….down to NC tomorrow….and totally forgot about my race…

And that’s the kind of crap that I can’t take. He forgot about me ALL the time. He always promised to be somewhere then either forgot, or made other plans, or someone else needed him really bad….always an excuse. And I was always in last place.

But no more, I say. (Please see The List, we’re looking for that person from now on)

Anyway.

I’m going to go watch the rest of the women’s olympic marathon now.

GO PAULA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1