Break Down Here

Ok.

So there’s part of me you guys never see.

That no one ever sees.

And I hide it…and….I’m not doing very well right now.

I’m not ok. I’m so far past not ok….

This isn’t going to make any sense probably…because it’s 3am and I’m sobbing somewhat uncontrollably and I’m on my couch and my boyfriend is asleep in my bed…and…I’m alone.

I’m too scared to tell him.

What if…he can’t handle this? What if no one can?

I don’t even know why this is happening.

But I’m broken. So broken. I’m damaged goods. What if no one ever wants me?

That’s how I feel, all the time. Like no one wants me. Like I’m not good enough.

And it’s bad tonight. So bad. The cutting….I want to. So bad. I want to make the outside match the inside. I want to make the pain on the inside go away and transfer it to the outside. I miss it. I miss it so much. Joseph is the only reason I don’t.

I’m not ok.

And I’m alone.

I don’t know how to tell people what’s wrong. I don’t know how and I’m scared to try…because what if they think I’m crazy. What if I tell my therapist this and she thinks I’m crazy. I’m scared of having to go to a hospital for treatment or something.

And I realize that fear is irrational…but I can’t fully let go.

And Ana…it’s back. Not fully…but the thoughts…are there. And a few of the behaviors. I….I know I shouldn’t but…I don’t see any other way.

I’m not ok.

Just the last few days…it’s spun out of control. I can’t get ahold of it and I can’t make it stop. I cry almost any time I’m alone.

I feel like I’m completly alone…and no one understands…and no one wants to. But I don’t give anyone a chance. But…it’s so scary.

Like even writing this…telling you guys this….it’s so hard. But I think I have to. I’m scared if I keep it inside anymore…it won’t be good.

All I want to do is go in to the bedroom and have his arms around me…and I just want him to hold me until it goes away, or at least until I stop crying. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel needed and appreciated and….but if I do that…I mean what would you do if you’d had a perfectly fine night and all of a sudden you were woken up by someone crying for no reason and they didn’t want to tell you why. Wouldn’t you think they were nuts??

I’m not nuts. I’m just broken. I’ve had a lot of years of shitty stuff and it’s built up…stuff people said to me…mom, matt, dad, erik, even my therapist….every negative comment ever….it’s like it gets permantly stuck in my head….and they go around and around…and none of the positive ones ever, EVER stick.

I don’t mean for it to be that way…but it’s just how my head works. Probably because that’s how I see myself…more towards the negative.

Oh please. There’s no"more towards"…you would not BELIEVE the opinion I have of myself most days.

Maybe I set myself up for failure.

But I don’t know what to do.

What do you do at 3am when you’re crying and emotionally fucked up? Do you wake up your boyfriend who has NO idea any of this is going on and risk dumping it all on him and scaring him away….or do you slip quietly out of the house and drive to your best friend’s so she can watch you and make sure you eat and don’t cut.

But what happens in the morning? Does he leave? Does he wonder where you are?

No one knows me.

There is SOOOO much…that no one knows. And I guess it’s my fault. I just don’t know how to tell people…because I’m scared to death of frightening them away and being all alone.

But it’s funny….because I feel alone anyway.

I’m supposed to be at church in 6 hours. I’ve been awake for 21. If I don’t go…I’ll disappoint mom. I’m always disappointing someone. That’s another part of it…I’m going in so many directions trying to make so many people happy….it kills me some days.

Why do I do it?

Because I’m scared no one will like me if I don’t try my hardest to make them happy and do everything I can for them. I’m so scared of being alone.

But I feel so alone….

It doesn’t make sense. Not even to me.

Nothing happened to set me off, by the way….it’s just kinda….happening. It’s been building up, but for no reason. Which scares me.

Anyway…I’m going to try and calm down and get some sleep…probably on the couch because I don’t want to risk waking him up…because there’s a good chance I’m not done crying.

I’d give anything…for someone to reach out right now….and save me. Just….to be here and tell me it will all be ok. To accept me….no matter what….and listen to me and NOT think I’m crazy. And to understand…that’s the hard part…and not to tell me I’m wrong. At least not about the Ana. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there…but…I need someone to understand the way I see me, and the way they see me….is very, VERY different…and….I can’t just shut it off. I can’t just….stop. I can’t just make it go away.

In a weird way…I want Stephen, or Doug. Because…I could tell them this stuff…and they never ran. Erik…couldn’t handel it…and Trace is so much like Erik…I know I should give him a chance…but…I don’t want to shove him all in to it at once. It’s not fair to him…it would be really hard for him and….

Yeah. I’m losing it over here and yet I’m worried about making it easier on him. That’s me. That’s how I operate. Doesn’t matter how bad it hurts me….how much I need something….I have to make sure everyone else is happy first. I have no IDEA how to put me first.

I can’t IMAGINE going in there and telling him I need him. That would be rude…to wake him up…and bother him with problems that aren’t his….

But if the tables were turned….I’d be more than happy to help him and stay up and do whatever he needed. That applies to everyone.

Which is why I’m on here, and not calling anyone….because this doesn’t bother anyone…it doesn’t interfere with anyone’s night or anyone’s sleep. I just want everyone else to be happy and ok.

This is absurd. I’m contemplating cutting myself…and I KNOW that’s bad…and I KNOW I shouldn’t…and I know I need help…but I’m trying to keep it together NOT because I know I shouldn’t…but because I don’t want to bother anyone.

W. T. F??

Wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!

I want SO badly to go in there…and have him take care of me…and make me feel safe….but….I’ve convinced myself he’ll turn tail and run…and in my head…in the scene I make up in my head….he tells all his friends about the crazy girl he dated. And they all laugh at me.

THAT is how bad I am….to myself. I won’t let myself go in there….because I don’t want to bother him…and….I can’t imagine a situation where he would accept me…and help me.

It’s not him…it’s me. It’s all what I’ve made up….it’s all what I see….I honestly….can’t separate what he’s really like from what I imagine his reaction would be.

Beth says to give him a chance.

The problem is…I feel way more for him…than I’ve felt for anyone since Erik…and it scares me to death to A) Not have it returned, and B) Lose it because I’m crazy.

I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a lot of

really shitty scenarios that have fucked my mind up.

And now my head hurts.

And I’m out of tissues.

Great.