Self Analysis (With Picture)

Of all the things I like the most in my life, sex with my husband has to rank as one of the highest.  And while my marriage has had its share of problems over the years, sex has never been as good as it is now, and it keeps getting better.  In my opinion my husband is aging much better than I am.   He has always been handsome to me but he has worked out consistently for the past seven years. He is in excellent shape.  And although I walk 30 minutes a day I’m certainly not in shape like he is. It astonishes me how each year he is sexier to me than he was the year before (heck, for that matter….the night before). Not to mention his skills improve with age. Damn he is good. My. I can’t divulge my thoughts too deeply in that area or I’ll be worthless the rest of the day.

My marriage has survived some tough years. But they are behind us now. In my opinion as people age (and mature) they seem to mellow, and as a result they desire peace more than the desire to always be right or have things their way. The things that I use to get mad about with Gregg just don’t seem to be worth arguing over now. Not to mention, he is too good of a man to focus on the negative. For me, it’s a choice. I choose to remain happy with my husband. That isn’t to say there are days that I don’t gripe about him, but I choose to be happy in spite of his flaws and short comings. Why? Because he extends grace to me over my shortcomings. Which are plenty.

Don’t get me wrong. There are moments when he grates my very last nerve, and there are days when I swear I would jump on the back of a bike of the first Harley rider that gave me a second glance.  And don’t think I don’t tell him that too, because I do. He arrogantly laughs at me and says that I’m not going anywhere. Whatever.  One day he might be chewing on those words as he watches my backside ride out of sight.

It could happen.  It could.

Like my front page says, just being a wife, mom, step-mom and a 50 hour a week professional drains me to the last drop. At the end of some days I feel completely spent. And exhausted. And I would do anything for a break, a break from the daily small tasks. I am independent and very much a loner so just having a family relying on me can drain me. I know since I’m a mom that sounds terrible, and I certainly don’t mean anything negative towards my family. I love them completely, but I also NEED time to myself. For so many years Gregg didn’t understand that about me, and he even took it personally. Now he realizes alone time is like food to my soul and I’m a better wife and mom when I’m able to feed myself. 

Our issues now are trivial. We don’t argue over money, raising our daughter, his son, his ex-wife (as long time readers KNOW that was an issue for us, THE issue with us), or even that he loves sports more than he does me (okay, so I know that isn’t true but he DOES love sports).  I say our issues are trivial because they arise because of my emotions. They also don’t cause a lasting negative impact.  Some of the issues stem from the fact that I’m not handling getting old very well.  And while I’m fully aware of how childish it sounds to my mature readers (who never have self-esteem problems or allow silly thoughts to affect their marriage/relationships) it still matters to me how my husband views me, physically as well as mentally. And on those days that I no longer feel appealing to him he just has to nurture me a little and all is right again in my world. But unfortunately nurturing isn’t something that comes natural to him. However, I do have to give him credit – he has improved vastly in that area. 

At the end of the day I realize how very fortunate I am to be married to such a good man. His only flaws are sins of omission. And he doesn’t omit things on purpose. He, just like a lot of men, forgets. He forgets his wife is sensitive, and needs to be reminded that she is worth the extra effort he sometimes has to put in our marriage. I use to get extremely frustrated with having to remind him of the things I need.  After all….he doesn’t have to remind me to cook his dinner, or raise our daughter, or support his son, slay the dragon, blow his flute (while sucking on a liquid ice mint – his favorite), wash his clothes, change his diapers (err, i mean change the sheets), buy the groceries, pay our bills, clean our house —- let me stop or this will entry will take a 180 degree turn. As I was saying (before my mild (HA) redhead temper was rising) I was starting to resent that I always had to remind him of what I need. But I decided it’s better for me to remind him and get my needs met over sulking and being unhappy.

But that’s just me. 

Arguing was starting to drain me, and causing me to be VERY unhappy.  Unhappy to the point that I wanted out. But the rational side of me began to realize that thought was ridiculous.  It’s unfair to him (plus he is too good of a man) to leave over my insecurities.  So instead of training him to meet my needs, I had to train myself to learn to be happy with what he is ABLE to give me.  No, it’s not a fairy tale ending – with the hero on the white horse rescuing me – as the Cinderella in me had always dreamed of, but the end result was the same.  And again, I had no choice. My goal was happiness. Not changing my husband.  So I had to make adjustments in order to reach my goal.  If not, I would have just remained unhappy.  And an unhappy Cindy makes for an unhappy wife, an unhappy worker, and more importantly….an unhappy Mommy. I concluded that choosing to be happy in my marriage was not only the best thing for me and Gregg but mostly it was the best thing for Hannah. And I care very much about raising her so that she is not only happy, but independently happy. 

A trait I, sadly, had to teach myself.

 I want so much more for her.

Helping Mommy fold clothes!  Gotta love that.