What the hell

Trigger Warning: SA
I’ve never tried these online anonymous diary entries, but my mother has been on here for years and mentioned that it has helped her a lot. I have to say that I dont open up, so the idea of putting my business out there for total strangers to see is a little scary. However, maybe it will be good for me to get some insights from people who are looking from the outside in.

The last few weeks of my life have been pretty hard, my relationship seems like its always on the rocks, and not like, on the rocks as in cheating, or lying, or anything. We communicate really well and neither of us has been unfaithful. However we are both extremely co-dependant people by nature, so we have both seemed to of lost our sense of self.

The story of mine and my signifigant others starts off a tad dark… So hang on, I was talking to this dude, we’ll call him Richard. And he invited me over to his friends house for a party. I decided to go as me and this dude hadn’t really met in person. Thats when I met my now signifigant other (Who has decided he wants the name bob for here). We hit it off immediately since me and him had both gone through a divorce, and we talked for 10 hours straight. It felt like me and him were the only ones in the room when I talked to him.

Well, I went home the next morning and I was invited to the park for a car meet, and then a party at the same house after the meet. I ended up showing up really late to the car meet, and I had already pretty much decided that Richard was far too clingy for only being in the talking phase. However I did want to talk to Bob, I at least wanted to get Bob’s number or something to where I would have some form of contact with him.

So I went. Everything was going well until I had to leave the party for a friend emergency, I hadn’t drank or anything, but I left my pepsi at the party. I went and dealt with said friend emergency, whilst Richard is texting me every few minutes asking me if I am coming back to the party. I was. So I went back to the party, and I was a tad tired by the time I made it back, So i decided to drink more of my pepsi. That Richard handed me back.

Not even 30 minutes later I was completely exhausted, I chalked in up in my head as I hadnt gotten enough sleep, and I curled up on the couch while everyone was watching a movie, laid my head on Bob’s leg and fell asleep. I got woken up hours later with Richard asking me to go to his house to watch movies and cuddle. I groaned, rolled over and fell asleep again. And according to bob he told him to just leave me there.

Richard then talked away everything, put my shoes on, picked me up, and carried my mostly unconcious body to his car, and took me to a house. It smelled of dog piss. And thats a majority of what I remember. Aside from that, I woke up several times throughout the night to feeling him bite me, and hold me close to him, and pain. I woke up the next morning with just my underwear and my crop top on, and I felt super uncomfortable.

I remembered that Richard had mentioned that he had a gun. So I put on a happy face, put my clothes on, and he drove me back to the Bob’s house. We hung out there for a little bit, I found Bob on facebook, and messaged him and asked him if he thought his friend would do anything. And he said he didnt think so but he was unsure.

A few hours later after a call with one of my girlfriends I was told by her that I should go to the hospital, and get a rape kit done, and I called my ex and asked him to go with me (big mistake but im not going to get into that) I went to the hospital and they told me I had been drugged, and that there was damage and they were unsure if I would ever be able to have kids again. I then messaged Bob and told him the whole story, and he immediately said he’d be there for me and help me with everything.

And so began mine and Bob’s Friendship…

This all happened almost a year ago, but its still fresh on my mind at times, and I still have nightmares. I had been sexually assaulted before then, but never drugged, and something about having something done to your body, and only being able to imagine the awful things someone did to you is somehow worse than knowing exactly what happened and when.

However, continuing on about Bob. I know you may feel like Bob should have stopped this dude from taking me to his house, but he had no clue of the things that would happen to me that night, and no one wants to think that theyre friends with someone who could do something like that. So while yes, I was failed that night, he has spent countless days and nights making it up to me, protecting me, absorbing all the freak outs, and screams. Holding me through panic attacks. Taking on the guilt and anguish of what he could have done differently. He feels guilty about it, and there is no reason to blame him. It is ultimately Richards fault for what happened to me.

Bob had devoted all of his spare time, and even time he was supposed to be sleeping to spend time with me, talking to me until 6 in the morning, knowing he had to be at work at 8. I started staying the night at Bob’s house occasionally, and we began a friends-with-benefits type relationship. As I was still emotionally uncapable of getting into anything serious.

But we spent a lot of time on dates, and car rides in the middle of the night. How he survived without sleep, is still a mystery to both of us. We spent a lot of time together, and then I started dating some other dude who lived states away from me. (Out of left field I know) and me and Bob stayed friends. I was in love with bob and didnt know it, and I was dating this dude because I was scared of something serious. (Not to knock long-distance relationships but I didnt feel as close to the other dude, and I liked the idea of being able to end it without what seemed like any real consequences)

Anyways, me and Bob were roomates. I had a spare room in his house, and I slept in Bob’s bed, while my boyfriend who lived 700 miles away was on facetime with me. (He was somehow okay with me sleeping in bobs bed) Anyways, I went to visit my ex, and he basically told me to go home and be with bob because it was clear as day that I was in love with him. So thats exactly what I did. And me and bob have been together ever since….

So thats the very rocky start of mine and my Significant Others story… Its not the story we tell people, we instead tell a very edited version of it. (We started off as friends and it went from there) however, if I am going to tell my business, i figure I should be honest about it. This entry is very long, and for that I apologize, but im going to watch some TV with my SO.