Rant-ish?

I got a lot done today, I get a lot done whenever I feel like being productive. But on the days that I am depressed I dont do anything. Yesterday, I laid in bed… all day. Me and my boyfriend got into an argument yesterday morning, (Because of my depression in a way, I wanted him to stay home and help me and he couldnt because he had work) And after the argument, I all but turned off my phone. I didnt answer really any incoming calls, I just wasn’t in the mood for talking. Once he got home though, we talked for a bit, and came to some sort of resolution. We ended up having a pretty pleasant evening.

Today though, I woke up early and put my make-up on, wished my boyfriend a good day at work with a hug and a kiss, got my almost 3 year old up and ready, grabbed breakfast to go, took him to daycare, went to the bowling alley and bowled for my grandmother, went out to eat with my boyfriend, went to the store and planned a scavanger hunt for my boyfriend, went back home, put everything together for the scavengar hunt, my mom came and picked me up, we went an hour away to a party store to pick up party supplies for my sons birthday party coming up, went out to eat with her, went to the bookstore, got a few self help books, came home, wished my son goodbye for the weekend (So that he could spend time with his dad) and started reading a couple of the self help books. And now I am writing here.

The first one I started reading is for couples, it is to help couples learn about how the other one responds and effectively communicates, so that you can have a fufilling relationship with your partner. Well, I started reading it, and its pretty much hit the nail on the head for mine and my boyfriends problems. I struggle with putting my emotional health first, and he puts his career ahead of everything. Its good to know that we arent alone and that I am not the only girl in the world that wants my emotional needs to be met, and that it is in fact not okay to invalidate my feelings just because he doesnt understand them. Just like I am sure he feels better knowing hes not the only guy on this earth that cares more about his career and being succesful than anything else. We are both failing to commucate effectively with each other, and i have high hopes for reading this book together to maybe try to understand each other better, and hopefully start communicating better.

The other book is about anxiety, which I have been dealing with for a long time. From freak outs at 5 because my mom took to long at the store, to having a complete and total meltdown/panic attack where it feels the world is crushing in on me because I think my boyfriend doesnt love me anymore and I constantly feel like hes on the brink of leaving me. He’s told me a million and one times that he’s not leaving me and I still fear that he will. And that’s just not healthy.

I have been to doctors for this stuff, and I am on medicaiton for depression, but not anxiety and heres why: I am terrified that the only way to ease my anxiety is some zombifying medicaiton that will render me useless. Which after typing that out I realize is probably just more anxiety and I should probably talk to my doctor…. Anyways, this book is supposed to help me calm down, and rocognize issues that I can change and probably should. So hopefully, rather than freaking out because I think my boyfriend is going to leave me, I ask myself “I feel like the spark is gone, what can I do to reignite the spark” And realize that even if I try and fail, my boyfriend would be missing out on my unconditional loyalty and willingness to work through anything. Along with my passionate love and care for him.

I dont think he’s leaving me, its just a fear that is constantly in the back of my mind. Like… What if he does. I will be broken down all over again. I have to start over with “What is your favorite color” With some dude that I probably dont like as much because I have never loved or liked a guy as much as I do my boyfriend.

I have to remember that my boyfriend chased me through quite literal hell, I had him hanging for months before I said yes to being his girlfriend. I guarded my heart like it was my last breath. But to be fair, I have not had a good past with heartbreak. The last time my heart was broken I overdosed on Tylenol because I thought I would never find love again. I was pretty bad off. But I took my time with my boyfriend now, and he is my person and I know that. And I think he believes me to be his person too. I need to rememeber how much effort he put into breaking my walls down and helping me to learn to love again. To learn that abuse is not love. To attempt to erase the damage and scars the other guys in my life have left on my heart. That could not have been easy.

Communication issues can be fixed a lot easier than a girl who has vowed not to love anymore. So the likelyhood that he would give up on this is pretty slim. He went through hell to find me, why would he leave me now?

In general this has made me feel a lot better already. If you read through this thank you.