Radical Acceptance

In case someone doesn’t know what Radical Acceptance is, it is a DBT skill taught to patients with addiction issues, and also Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been using this skill a lot lately, because I have been going through hell with my emotions. I have been going thorugh a long, tedius break up that has lasted 4 months so far. And to be honest, it has put me through hell, especially since Mr. Iwannadumpyou doesn’t even have a reason for why he broke up with me.

His own emotions are the main thing that we have come to the decision on, and the fact that he does not know how to communicate his wants and needs, and he does not know how to tell someone no. He also, does not know how to deal with someone that is upset with him, and honestly, that just not how relationships work. You are going to make each other upset, its kind of a part of a relationship. Right? I mean, please tell me if I am wrong.

Normal couples fight, and argue, they have disagreements, and sometimes these arguments are worse especially since this one person has such control over your emotions, and it is only because you love this person so much that you even argue. Anyways, I have just kind of decided to accept the fact that I am depressed, and that I am going to be depressed for the time being. And As far as love, romance, passion? All of that for me is just right out the window.

I have tons of men after me, men that want relationships, men that want sex, men that just want to be around me, and I just dont see any of them that way. I dont want to let myself get hurt, I dont want to fall in love again. So I am not even going to allow myself the chance to fall in love. Being in love, is my Kryptonyte, when things are good, they are really good. I love falling in love, and I love the cloud 9 feeling of being in love. But what I dont like is the crash back down to earth when everything inevitabley comes to an end.

My heart and soul just cant handle it, and I am thrown into this horrible cycle of hating myself and wanting to die, to wanting to better my life, and get everything straight. So I am not really doing either, I am Stagnant, I get up, cry, get myself ready for work, work, get off work, cry, and fall asleep. And that is my current routine. And while its tragic, it is sad, it is also comfortable, and I know what to expect each day. So I’m not surprised when I wake up and my eyes start to burn, and every emotion just comes flooding to the surface. Or the way I go about my day with an empty look on my face, completely fucking drained.

I am not surprised when I look in the mirror each morning, and I dont recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. She is me, she is just broken, and I am broken. No one else is surprised anymore either, they dont tell me I need to eat when they see me, and I am much thinner than the woman they saw just last week. My best friend doesn’t cringe when my tears start flowing randomly and I stop talking. My mom is not surprised that I am just a shell of the daughter she knew, because in everyone’s eyes, they are just happy I am alive.

I got asked in therapy, if I was happy that I was alive. And I knew the answer I was supposed to say, I am supposed to say “Yes, I am happy that my attempt did not kill me, I want to live my life” But I just kind of shrugged, and changed the subject. My therapist didnt notice. I have become a master of avoiding the hard questions, and the mask I paint on helps everyone beleive that I am okay. That I want to live… But I don’t know what I want. I know that I am surviving though, and that’s all I have to do for now.

Love,

Me <3