Fired

The ax fell yesterday; my ex friend Tom called me in to his office around 4:30 to tell me I was “terminated.” His reason was that I had made a few mistakes lately (none of which, I might add, was serious). There was a very nice gentleman there who was there to tell me all the things I needed. Tom was sent away.

Interestingly, the severance letter Tom wrote, which the man handed to me, a letter of 6 sentences, had an egregious spelling error. And when I got home, I found that the man had not given me his name, phone number, or mailing address, even though he had told me to call him with questions and that there was a form I needed to mail him.

A. has been wonderful. I was afraid he would be upset because of the $$ situation (fortunately, one of the things I didn’t hear the man say in my shock was that I am paid for the rest of this month, then have 4 months of severance pay at the same rate, and am paid for unused vacation, so there is breathing room). Instead, A. gave me lots of hugs and assurances that I was not a loser, that it is very hard to control other people’s self-serving perceptions. Tom believes that the Client is poised to back out of the contract, for which he would be severely punished, because of errors. My own contacts at the Client’s place tell me that the few errors that we make don’t bother them, and that they love the people on my level, consider us the best in the business, but hate our managers, who are paranoid and communicate poorly with them. So, while I readily admit to errors, though none more frequent or egregious than errors made by others in the group, it does seem clear that I’m the scapegoat Tom will use to show the Client that he is serious about doing everything right.

So it will be interesting to find out what happens now that I’m gone and the occasional errors continue. (Not to mention the unfixed bugs in the software).

My own response–oddly, I was more upset when they put me on probation a year ago. I was worried about money, outraged at the injustice, crazed by the communicational dysfunction (as when I explained the very complex software bug situation and was told in reply that because my name was associated with the problems–ie I was the user–I was being held responsible). This time, I was mainly stunned, because I had just been given a surprisingly large raise and thought that nonsense was behind me. I said to Tom that this was a surprise, and then asked him what was going to happen to my colleagues, because I was carrying a very big load of work. He said he knew and he had agonized over the decision. (Should he sell his soul to save his own ass or not?) And now, a day later, I find a lot of relief mixed in with my misgivings about money. It was stressful, in a continuing low fever kind of way, to be unable to be heard or seen accurately.

After he left, the man from the Firing Squad very kindly and calmly gave me the information, much of which I didn’t catch because I was still shocked. He asked if I had questions. I had one. I told him there were a number of important things that I was the only person who knew anything about, and was I going to be expected to train or assist anyone remaining behind? He said no, as soon as I left Tom’s office my obligations ended.

Nancy is going to commit hari kari.

We talked about my personal belongings. I chose the option of having them pack my stuff and mail it to me, as I didn’t want to come back. We stopped by my office for me to pick up a few things. I locked confidential stuff away and took my key to Jessica, who was the only person around. I told her what had happened and she started to cry–adults do do that! She told me later, though, that I was being so together that she didn’t want to cry and get me upset. As I walked away, with the Firing Squad man discreetly following me, I heard her repeat “shit! Shit! Shit!” That made me feel loved.

He was very kind. Because the company has such sensitive material, they can’t just fire you and let you wander around, so I always wondered how humiliating the process of being escorted out was. He told me he would just follow me discreetly. So after I got my stuff, I headed out. I passed a very highly regarded colleague, who was wearing a temporary pass. I commented cheerfully that she had a temporary pass too (I had forgotten my purse that day and left mine home, something I do about 3 times a year and is held up as an example of my carelessness). She laughed and said not only that, but she’d lost her pass altogether. Then I said Goodnight to the guard at the desk who always says “shalom” to me, and as I left the Firing Squad man said softly “don’t forget. Call me if you have any questions.”

Then I went to the gym. I might as well exploit it as much as possible for the rest of the month, because I’m going to have to take a sabbatical from membership fees till I find another job. Besides, I figured I’d better exercise or I’d have a stroke.

A., being hyper, has already jumped into gear, planning a career for me as an educational tutor that could bring in 70,000.00 a year (I am skeptical)and designing brochures. My ex company will pay for me to visit a firm that helps fired professionals look for new jobs, so I will definitely do that. A. also urged me to look into taking some temporary work at a local tutoring company. I said I would, but not the next day, and he looked at me thoughtfully and said, “no, don’t talk to any potential employers until your eyes stop bugging out.”