Evolutuion Revolution

I’m feeling so peaceful and content. What a burden has been lifted from me!

I’ve come a long way in the last week. I was a bit paranoid when I first lost my job, fighting against the worry that I was a loser. And weird stuff happened at first. The night after the Big Firing, my choir had a spring concert, and as usual when we perform in the altar area, standing on steps, people behind me bitched and moaned about my height. Why they don’t move sideways I can’t imagine. This time, I had a different place in mind but B, the Star Soprano, got there first, and when I tried to move around her she shook her head at me. Two minutes later she said reproachfully “so and so can’t see.” I stepped down to a lower step which put me so close to the row in front I sorta had to stand on one leg and prop myself with the other leaning on the step behind. I got pissed and turned to B and hissed “this sucks. I have to stand on one leg.” She looked confused. Later, she had to step forward to do a solo so I took her spot. It was a shame because I had been so happy singing and being fired and all that, and the small experience brought to a boil my resentment at having people complain so much about my height. Considered quitting the choir, but then settled down and decided to ask the cantor to assign us positions and make sure people standing where I should be know to move.

Next day I went in to NYC to lunch with my college friends (we are doing this about every 2 months or so now). We were in a lovely restaurant in Soho, pretty, casual. Tables were fairly far apart. I noticed, two tables down, a woman with her gray hair skinned back in a ponytail so tight it looks as if it would hurt. Later, I noticed that when I laughed she would turn and glare at me. I was a little puzzled because usually I am so soft people can’t hear me. I was laughing with enthusiasm, but it was more a “ha!” than a “BRAYYYYY!” She kept doing that, then finally she said loudly “SHHHHHHH!” I lost it. I said in a very loud voice “I’M SORRY I’M BOTHERING YOU!!!!!” That is VERY not like me. Sue and Claudia looked a bit surprised. We proceeded with our lunch and our chatting, while I was careful to laugh quietly and in a ladylike manner. Finally, the woman and her companion, an Asian woman who walked with her head ducked, got up to leave. I wasn’t about to look at her, and didn’t, but she stopped at our table, stared at me, then said in a real sarcastic way “Wow!”

Sue and Claudia were puzzled again. “What was that?” they asked, confused, staring as she stumped away. I went into the bathroom later and looked in the mirror, trying to figure out what it was about me. I had long hair (I’m growing it for locksoflove) and had forgotten to pull it back. Was that it? Was it my face? My long sleeved black dress on a day that had turned out unexpectedly hot? I knew she was, if not crackers, at least a bitch, but I found myself depressed the rest of the day. I’m so easy a person, and I know so many really obnoxious people, that it seems terribly unfair for me to be smacked for something minor, or even inoffensive (typos, a height of 5’9″, a laugh).

But then I took my depression to bed and felt better the next day and have been feeling increasingly more chipper. I am enjoying my freedom, not only from the agita of work but also to change my mind, do things I want to do more. I saw Ben yesterday, took him out to dinner after we loaded my car with his stuff, watched a couple of Cowboy Bebop episodes with him, then decided at 10 PM that I was in the mood to drive home during the night and enjoy the lack of traffic. So I did, surprising A considerably at 2:30 AM when I climbed into bed.

And I even woke up early this morning and don’t feel tired.