The Breakup

Well, at no point did I see this coming.  Things were good.  Things were really good.  Three weeks ago, without prompting she told me that if we were people who believed in marriage, she would marry me right then.  Two days later she told me that she thought I should be more serious about a masters program in Scotland that I’d been looking at and that she would move with me if I wanted to do that and help me pay for it if I needed it.  She talked about plans for years down the road.

A week later she stopped talking to me.  She was mad about something from a year ago that I thought we’d hashed out.  She stayed mad for two weeks and kept getting more angry about things that had happened in the past.  Wednesday, after putting off most of our important conversations until she had to have them she told me we had to talk when I got home.  I knew she was going to break up.  I came home after the thing I was at ended and she told me that it was too late and she was going to bed.  We’ve got the talk scheduled for Saturday night.  I know what it’s going to be.  The writing has been on the wall for two weeks.  I started looking for an apartment last week.

This is the first time I’ve ever thought I could spend the rest of my life with someone.  She kept telling me that it was going to be a long relationship and that we’d be together for years.  I believed her.  I don’t know what switch flipped.  I have some ideas, but I doubt I’ll ever know.  I keep telling myself that it’s going to be good.  That there’s things in our relationship that I don’t like and that need to be changed.  I think she’s been a really shitty partner over the last two months.  She asked to open up our relationship and just hasn’t been communicative or supportive during the entire process.  I guess I should have seen that as a sign, but it wasn’t out of the blue.  I knew when I got into this relationship years ago that monogamy wasn’t her style.

Fuck.  I’m just emotionally wrecked.  I’m tired.  I don’t want to have the conversation at all.  If I could just leave I would.  Talking isn’t going to change anything. It’s not going to make me feel better.

This makes me feel like our whole relationship was a lie.  How do you tell someone you’d marry them, tell them that the relationship is strong enough to survive major life changes, only to just end things?

I love her more than I love anyone else in my life and I don’t know what to do without that.  These last two weeks when we haven’t been talking things keep happening and I go to tell her or think about talking to her later and it just hurts.  I know you just fucking move on eventually, but right now, from here, that fucking road seems dark and lonely and filled with fucking bullshit.