My one who got away.

Weight: 145.2

I already weighed in today and wrote a small entry, but i was thinking about when i was in highschool. thats where this whole thing started. i wasn’t really overweight until i met lisa. Infact, i never really thought about food at all. Lisa had this thing about eating all the time, and she was my friend, so i ate with her. then i started eating just when i was lonely. I forgot about that.

A couple years later, I met chris. Oh. Chris. I constantly think about him, and i can’t get him out of my head. I doubt he thinks about me anymore…you know. typical guy. as typical as they come. He works for microsoft now…i saw him a few months ago at a party and he completely brushed me off. (by the way the last time i saw him before that, we slept together)…and he flirted with a girl who was my best friend…I haven’t really spoken to her since. i was pissed. i was really pissed. not really at her…but at him. I know its crazy, but I compare every relationship i’ve ever had to the relationship i had with him.

Chris and I waited for months to have sex. if we were older, that probably wouldn’t happen, because at the time, he was a virgin. but after that, we did it almost every day. but, we weren’t about that. a lot of the time, we would just get it out of the way and go do something fun. We used to go to the movies a lot. we went out to eat. we had political discussions. I was so crazy about him. and he was crazy about me. and then college happened. we stayed together for two years after highschool…but the distance was too much and we just grew apart. but after we broke up we slept together almost every time he was home. At first it was just ex sex. one of us would go to the others house and we would have sex and then leave. Then i stopped wanting to have sex with him every single time we saw eachother cause i knew it was fucking me up emotionally…so i decided we’d just be friends. so we started talking when he was home…and he’d call me every night…and eventually, we ended up kissing…and you know the rest. and then i would ineveitably think i was falling for him again, and he would say something insensitive and evil. like "you are just a fuck buddy." and i’d get pissed. the last time, we had sex night, he called me a booty call, and then called me the next night, and i said i didn’t want to see him…and he hung up before i coudl explain…and we didn’t speak again until that party. where he didn’t give me the time of day. infact, he made fun of me with emily. Idon’t think i’d be so upset about it if i didn’t know that wasn’t really him. He shared everything with me for 3 years. I know him better than that. he’s just guarding himself against a long distance relatioship with me again.

I just miss talking to him. and of course, everytime….everytime i think about him i just want to dip into the biggest bowl of ben and jerry’s i can find…or wax poetic while walking my dog. And i talk to god(as though he was listening, i don’t think god cares about my insignifigant problems though), and I sometimes think that i’d love for chris to get fired from microsoft, and have to move home…or that he’d get a job in new york city…and maybe we can try again. of course, I’ve been with joe for a few years now. and i keep trying to talk to him like i used to talk to chris…but it’s not the same. What if i had it right in highschool?

Its just…OK. I’m 24 years old. I’m on the brink of being a real grown up. I just want to be happy…and the person I settle down with: I want him to be my best friend as well as my lover. And chris, he was that.  i was myself around him, and he liked that. he loved that. Around joe, I’m myself…and he doesn’t seem to like it much. actually, i can’t really tell. I think he likes it…but he never really says anything. I actually am pretty crazy about joe, but thats because i can read between the lines.

But chris…I remember being happy with him. and i haven’t really been happy since. not at all. I feel like if we could have a real second chance, where we were in the same place at the same time for an extended period of time….and we both had an open mind. I bet we’d both be happy again. I wonder if he’s been happy since. probably. I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as i was then, so I’ll probably settle for second best. even brad pitt would be second best to the man with the giant nose who stole my heart when i was 17.  Thing is, when i was 17…I lost 30 lbs and it wasn’t hard at all. because i was in a stable relationship and unbelieveably happy.