Place between

 I’m in a place between worlds.

In one world, I passed a sweetly pleasant weekend with my kids, all of them. Got in some shopping time with my daughter and spent a fun evening out at the Oktoberfest celebration with her and her husband, my eldest son and his girlfriend and a few other ragtag friends and relatives. Drink, song, food..lots of laughter. Lots and lots. Sunday, similarly spent, just the bunch of us, lazy breakfast, talk, tease, reminisce. The old kids left to return to their northern home and left me with my sweet youngers.

Then there was today.

Spent finding out more about the cirrhotic brother. None of it good. His liver function is nearly zero. He’s incoherent. He’s yellow. He’s fucked. All my other brother and I can do is try to get him on disability. Try to get him on a list for public housing. Try to get him on medicaid. Try to get him something of a life…if he has any left to live. No one can take him on, take on his care except the state. 

Spent time with my mother moldering on my couch. She just has this vague bird-like look on her face. No real expression. Says little as I make a few phone calls to a couple of assisted living places, an center on aging, a compassionate care agency. Swears at me when I try to discuss selling her dilapidated filthy home. Truly believes she is going to "get better". Has no idea what to do to help herself. Doesn’t try.  Does as little as possible to even breathe or eat. I am so incredibly frustrated with her! She won’t help herself and just wants…I am not sure what she wants and refuses to help try to figure out what it is she DOES want. She won’t get her general paperwork together. Doesn’t want to discuss her "wishes". I think she just wants me to guess!!

I don’t know what to wish for in my future.