One of Thirteen..

 I can only hope the beginning of Thirteen is better than the end of Twelve.

In one day:

1)  Found out my mother has liver and lung mets from her colon cancer. Prognosis from Dr. Google seems to be from 6 months to 1 year. I have never been overly emotional where my mother is concerned but I’ve never wanted her to die. I didn’t cry right away but the magnitude of the information washed over me in waves. I’m going to lose my mother. She didn’t take the news horribly..or well. She’s naive and child-like and has gotten very old over the last year or 2.  She said in a small and pitiful voice, "I am not ready to die." I’ve been crying quietly on and off. For her…and for me. Neither of my parents will live to see 70. Will I? 

2) While I was gone, Frank was supposed to be watching the little boys. But he was also working. He had too much faith in them. They found the 3 dozen eggs we had in the house and smashed them all over the new bamboo floor Frank has been installing in the kitchen/living/dining rooms and hallway/entryway. Not that that was bad enough but Cam is allergic to eggs. His poor arm and face had a flaming itchy rash when I got home. I had to call the pediatrician’s office, give him a thorough bath and a good dose of benadryl.

3) It began to snow on my 18 mile drive home. I am absolutely phobic about driving on snowy roads, esp the highway. But I took it slowly, shaking the entire way more from my own fear than from actually  slick roads (though they got bad quickly!). I did fine. And so did Frank on his way back from the grocery store as he pulled away cautiously from a 4 way stop. Unfortunately, the Indian guy from Atlanta, Georgia was distracted by the snow and failed to see the stop sign…and drove perpendicularly into my husband. In my car. That we had just made the last payment on.  Luckily, no one was going very fast. Luckily, no one was hurt. The Indian guy’s car suffered more damage than our car after he swerved after hitting my husband and drove into an electricity pole. Luckily (I guess) I am not terribly in love with my Dodge Caliber. If it isn’t fixable, I plan on getting a later model Subaru Forester or Outback. What I am really not in love with is the idea of another payment of any kind. We just bought a new mini van 2 months ago and took out a loan to redo out kitchen only one month ago. 

What (or who) I am in love with is my husband. I became very very upset not over what happened..but over what COULD have happened. Terrifying images danced in my head all afternoon.

That was all I could handle. I downed 4 glasses of wine very quickly and gave myself a bad headache. I had a bit of a breakdown at dinner and had to go to bed, leaving Frank to deal with 2 cranky little boys. I must have woke at some point and came out to the living room where I continued my headache and fitful nap on the loveseat..which is decidedly not built for napping. Frank woke me at midnight with a kiss and a piece of coconut cream pie. Then of course, we went to bed and I could no longer sleep. I sat up in the wee hours of the new year with my thoughts, my sadness, my panic, and my realizations.

My resolutions?

1) Help my mother. Whatever that means.

2) Get to be the healthiest me. Whatever that means.

3) Love my people. And I know exactly what that means.

4) Live every minute of 2013, good and bad. It is what it is. Every precious bit.

5) Be.

I hope everyone had a better holiday than I did.

Welcome to 2013.