Memorial..

I’m here.

I haven’t gone anywhere. But then again, I never do. I always come back to my center.

The knowledge that that woman has taken my fledgling idea and has run with set me back for awhile. I will get over it and I will still write. A trashy romance novel won’t beat out what I have to say..even if  I mean that only for me.

I had a great weekend last week. I took the train up to my daughter’s place. This time I drove to Galesburg and took the train from there since it delivered me straight to Naperville where D. lives instead of Joliet which is an hour out of her way. She met me at the train station there, Starbuck’s iced coffee in hand looking resplendent in a navy and cream striped maxi dress and a thin white cardigan, her red hair straight and billowy in the wind. I am still amazed I created her. She’s truly lovely, tall and slender, strong and ethereal.

We dumped my stuff in her car and took another train into the city. Nice time to talk and get back in touch. She blends in like a chameleon into the cityscape, long legs casually crossed, her Kate Spade shades pushing her hair off her face. Once there, we walked around and settled like dandelion fluff on the sundrenched patio at Smith and Wollensky and I spent over 80 bucks on 2 perfect bloody marys apiece and a small appetizer salad of mozzarella and tomatoes. D. is doing a gluten free diet and is back into her weight obsession. I see it. I know it. I know she does too but she..tried. We laughed, a little drunk, as I signed off the bill and then we took a boat tour on the sparking Chicago River. The tour guide, a nice looking man with a brown beard in a ball cap and sunglasses told us all he knew–which was quite a lot!–about the architectural history of the tall buildings lining the river. We both got a bit burnt but well educated. We walked around for a bit afterward and when to a nice wine bar named Cru for lunch. We sat outside in the dappled shade and drank delicate glasses of white wine and a couple of nice starter plates. We chatted and relaxed and enjoyed each other’s company. So rare these days, these times with my grown up kids. We took the late afternoon train back to Naperville. We ordered Chinese take out and I skyped with my husband and my two sleepy little ones. I ate one plate of the Chinese and then I was totally wiped out. I sank into the bed in their guest room right on top of the fluffy comforter and slept like the dead till well after the sun had risen. I woke, missing my little guys. After coffee and seeing my daughter’s hubby off to work, we shopped some at the outlet malls and I picked up a few t-shirts and shorts for Q. We ate a Starbucks lunch and then she delivered me back to the train. I napped on the rocking train back to Galesburg and drove an hour home in the late gold afternoon light. Once home, I settled into the raucous routine of my latest incarnation of life…dinner cacophony, tumbling class, t-ball, and a disgruntled hubby.

It was good to be home.

It’s been a fast and furious week. I’ve spent alot of time writing in my head. More of it needs to end up here. Blues battling. Trying to keep up. Trying to stay sharp. Trying to absorb every second of my little boys’ skyrocketing childhood. Trying to eat better, feel better, sleep better, be better.

Here we are at the long weekend. I came home from work early. I didn’t feel well yesterday, achey, headachey, feverish, weird. This morning I was dizzy and a little sick to my stomach. The drive home was odd, so lightheaded and weak. I slept for a few hours and I think maybe I feel somewhat better, though my ears do hurt.

I need to feel better. We’re having a bit of a party for my mother and her twin tomorrow..for their birthday. Perhaps their last birthday. Both of them are being treated for advanced colon cancer. I have strong doubts either of them will still be here next May. I hope they will be..but..

I’m struggling.

I am truly struggling.