Keep going..

Already finding information gets harder. Right now, I am doing the internet equivalent of tossing a pitchfork into a huge pile of hay and hoping to strike a needle in there somewhere. I’m doing my best to network with people who might know something about the tiny village my father was from but the internet..is too vast an ocean to access information about a tiny picturesque puddle. I know (KNOW) I need to go there but that isn’t feasible until next year. I can’t go in the winter. We’re talking some SERIOUS snowfall there from October till April. May next year is as early as I can make it.

Unfortunately, nearly all my people from there are gone. My father has a cousin who lives around here…but the few times I’ve spoken to him..I dunno. He doesn’t seem to be a credible source. He talks in dramatic circles about himself and his life and makes it very hard to slip a word in edgewise. I always liked him even if he did tell me I was a "leetle too fat" when I was a preteen. Well, I was..and am..but  I really don’t think he was trying to be mean.He’s a nice man. Odd, but sweet. A happily open gay guy before gay ever became as acceptable as it is today. Problem is, though he speaks decent enough english, he still has enough trouble comprehending that conversations mining information are just..difficult and draining. He will wax on for hours about his "trrrubbulls" like an old croatian granny, waving his hands and wrists about dramatically. I will call him again soon for a dinner but I really don’t expect to learn much more. He’ll be a good source when I want to hook up with some extended family in Croatia though. He stayed close-ish with some of his family where my father did not. Not sure many of them will be in Mrkopalj proper or if any of them speak passable English..but still family is family. I won’t have much trouble finding translators if I prepare in advance.

I did more general looking around today at work. Tons and tons of books out there about Jews during WW2 in Germany, Poland, Netherlands, Czech Republic, etc but very little written about the experience  in Croatia…though a LOT happened! Tito managed to keep much of the Ustasha information under tight wraps. And most of the books about it are factual stuff. Not much fiction. I have an advantage. I like that. Helps my flagging confidence.

Really, battling myself is going to be a true challenge. So easy to talk myself out of anything challenging. So easy to believe I cannot really do this. I mean..what have I EVER really accomplished other than excellent products of reproduction?

To climb a mountain, to begin a journey, to reach a destination, even one million of miles away..it all begins with one step. And another. And another. 

I have to learn how to keep going and never stop.

Who knows where it all might end..