If only..

 God, I wish the news gods would stop flashing the photo of the 13 month old baby on every even vaguely news-like page. It physically hurts me. I am devastated anyone ANYONE could put a gun to a child’s head..face..and pull the trigger. I want to vomit when I even let my mind go there..

The poor mother. The mothers of those boys..for they are boys, barely not children themselves. I am appalled at a society that has ..that can.. produce creatures, children who could perform such horrific acts. Who could shoot anyone, let alone a baby. 

I have to stop. I hate guns. That is my stance. I abhor violence. That is all. Yet somehow it is never ever enough.

* * *

I complain.

I get tired.

Sometimes, I just want a few hours peace, to read a book, to get something productive done..hell, to just hear myself breath.

But then a cuddlesome sturdy 2 year old..who will only be 2 for a few precious seconds..climbs up on my lap and burrows into me and demands I sing "Hush little baby" and "ABC’s" and "Twinkle Twinkle" and " Itsy Bitsy Spider"..then "Hush little baby" again. I sing and rock and pet and stroke till I am hoarse. No matter how stressed. Tired. Touched out. Irritated. I have time to be all those things later. He will not want this for long. Or his older brother. I hold them till my legs go numb. Really, it is like trying to hold onto sand..

* * *

I am going through something. Not sure what. I am unaccountably sad. Depressed? I don’t know. Life has a dull color and a brackish taste. My mind feels depleted of blood. I know some things to try to help. And I will. The hardest part is heaving myself back to my feet and leaving the shelter of the dark.

* * *

If only, eh?