ANOTHER??

March the 5th..third Tuesday in a row we’ve had a snowstorm. I don’t know if I will be able to make it to work today..or if I can make it to work, will I make it home? Calling  for 4 to 6 inches of snow. We’ve gotten lucky the last 2 snowstorms and fallen very short of the expected amounts. Will it happen again? And I feel very compelled to get to work since I am on call…Phobias are crippling sometimes. Driving on icy/snowy roads is mine. Gets worse as I get older. I am grateful for the nearly 5 am hour. Makes it more difficult to see the gathering storm outside.

I had another colonoscopy yesterday. The prep seemed worse this time. I was alot weaker and hungrier. Wonder what I did differently last time? Frank thinks it more about expectation: Last time I expected the prep to be absolutely horrible and really, it wasn’t. This time I expected it to be a piece of cake and really, it wasn’t. Perhaps true. But anyway I had the test, fully expecting it to be normal…and really, it wasn’t. Not cancer but the doc found an area of "friable mucosa" he biopsied. He assured Frank he thinks it is "nothing". I sort of remember the doc seeing me after the procedure but I don’t remember what he said. I tried googling "friable mucosa" but found nothing concrete either way. I will wait for the biopsy result and go from there. It was concerning enough that he prescribed a repeat colonoscopy..and also pushed the point of my mother being tested for a genetic condition known as "Lynch Syndrome". My mother, the sweet slightly backward hillbilly that she is, fears the knowledge from the genetic testing. As does her twin who is dying from colon cancer. I will talk to her, them, again but really if they don’t want it done, the only thing the rest of us can do is get our own testing done. Which will be "huge" (as the doc pointed out) for all of us to get the testing/monitoring we need for our future paid for by insurance. Lynch Syndrome puts us kids all at much higher risk for colon, uterine, prostate, breast, pancreatic, and thyroid cancers. We’ll all need much more frequent testing than the general public.

I should be monitoring the local news and weather forecasts but it just spikes my anxiety, making it difficult to breathe and swallow and even think. I am not sure what has exacerbated this fear but it is very real and growing worse. My only recourse, outside of being a hermit in winter, is to move to someplace with no or little snowfall. Rain doesn’t really bother me but it only takes a few flakes of snow to get my heart racing and the shakes to begin.  I can’t even see very well when I am in the throes of panic.

I had planned on doing some reading yesterday since the boys were at daycare. We went to a local coffee house for breakfast after the test. I had a lovely nutmeg dusted hot cocoa and a bowl of decadent baked french toast. I can’t remember much from yesterday but I do remember that! Then we went home…and I crashed quickly. Slept till 3. Woke up and just sat staring at nothing till Frank went and got the boys a little before 5 pm. Poor mites were tired and hungry and wayyy too jumpy and loud and talkative. My schlumpy brain couldn’t handle the different layers of noise between the boys, the tv, the dogs, and Frank shouting to make himself heard above the din. I did chew a pork chop and a handful of cooked veggies with them before pulling the blanket over my head and going back to sleep till after 4 this morning.

I am better today. Still a little cotton-brained but better. Words are slow to occur and my fingers don’t want much to follow, but still..functional.

Kitchen reno is going. The dishwasher is in (Hallelujah!) but the measurements for the cabinet to hold the microwave/oven combo were totally off and Frank accidentally broke off a corner of our Jenn Air glass cooktop while installing it. Took me 2 days of looking and the last of my credit card to buy a refurbished LG model which my daughter had to go pick up since it was at a mall nearer to her. We’ll meet half way this weekend to transfer it to me. It’ll be nice though since this model has tap controls and no stinkin’ knobs to clean after cooking. (Frank manages to schlep pancake batter over then EVERY time and refuses to clean them off.) The oven cabinet is another problem entirely. Last problem we had took about 40 phone calls to and from Home Depot and the countertop people and 3 solid weeks of time before it was fixed and solved. It’s already been over a week and a good 5 phone calls. I may have to rattle some cages again today. The idea is to get this kitchen done SOON so I can host  Book Club here in early April. Lots of work to be done before then! We just might get to the tiling this weekend!

So quiet at this hour. Even my husband who was awake at nearly 3 am yesterday. I think a day of dealing with the boys solo did him in. Sweet and wonderful as they are, they are exhausting and trying. Q doesn’t like to listen and doesn’t care to do anything for himself, like feeding or dressing. He wants only to play with his toys and trucks and to veg in front of the tv. Cam is the total opposite. He DEMANDS to do everything for himself and screams over every little frustation when he can’t. His favorite word is "NO" or DON’TWANTTO" (one word). Cam also wants one’s total attention the entire time. He doesn’t care overmuch for playing by himself. His favorite things to do are reading and throwing himself from the highest surface he can reach (back of couch, top of chair, etc) . He is a heart-attack inducer in a 2.8 foot little body. And if either of them are quiet in the LEAST, you know something terrible is amiss. So while my poor ears are constantly cringing from the non-stop din, the other part of my brain stays in high alert for those unexpected lulls in the chaos. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOWWW??Then the mad scramble, hoping it doesn’t involve knives, glass, cleaning solution, raw eggs, or medication.

Time for another cuppa, some achilles stretching, and a peek at the weather.

Stay safe, friends.