Am.

 My mother was over this afternoon. She looked terrible. Her skin looks thickened and dark. I didn’t really see yellow in her eyes but she looked..older, swollen, waxy. Her breathing was labored. She was tired and droopy and while she tried valiantly to carry on a conversation, she kept drifting off ..

I know it might be from the chemo she’s getting to shrink her large liver mass but really in my heart of hearts I know she is getting closer to death.  It makes me sad..and scared.

I had had a pretty good week. I’d been feeling better about..well, life in general. I’d had more enthusiasm, more hope, less panic. I’d had a lovely night out with my book club ladies. Even work, while challenging, had been tolerable.

*sigh*

It’s a quiet night. Frank is dozing on the sofa. Something mindless on tv. We had a good day. Took the boys to the park and the zoo. We watched some of a baseball game going on at the park, highschoolers, and realized with a sad rush, how quickly my little guys will be some of those players. Mom came over in the afternoon and we grilled pork chops and had potatoes, brussel sprouts, and salad. SImple fare. There won’t be many more with her at my house. I am glad she ate. Frank said the same.

I think I will take a book to bed and relish the fact ..I am.

I am.