keep a happy mind

I am not afraid

I am a 39 year old mom and have struggled all my life to find belongingness. In the course of my existence I have been ignored, isolated and restricted by most people I find are significant in my life. At the age of 9, I find myself alone in my own home because my parents left the house and together with my siblings. I found myself painting on an old 8×10 styropore and it was a painting in our very small living room. I painted this house in a farm with people walking around and it was set in the old times where people was still using horses and carriages as means of transportation.

I sat there for hours and just painted. I remember trying to create every detail and every color without any background or understanding how to paint. By the time I was finished my mom and dad had arrived. I remember them looking at it and without any reaction. I recalled how proud I was of my creation and I didn’t even get a smile from my parents faces. A week after that painting was nowhere to be found but I know my dad threw it away.

I never did have any jealousy for how much attention they have given my other siblings. You see back then we had nothing in life. We barely have food on the table. I was thin and was never really sickly. I have then at 9, 4 siblings. My eldest sister, older brother and the youngest. My sister was 3 years older, brother a year older and a sister whose 6 years younger. I was alone most my life even in my younger years. There was a time at 3 or 4, a person who was asked to take care of me all the time was holding me in the middle of the street and she was waiting for someone to take me. In short, I was almost trafficked. My uncle who has passed away already, then saw me and took me away from her.

Being on my own was not by choice it was put upon me and to this day I still didn’t understand it. At the age of 13, I already had a significant bosom and my body is already shapely. I was bullied, molested and harassed by my classmates. I tried telling my parents and they never gave it attention. I asked for their help but they didn’t hear me call. I had to fend for myself and became aggressive and violent towards them. I remember stabbing a classmate’s arm because he was touching my right breast from my desk.

At the age 16, I thought that being sexualized was the best way to get attention and care. I remember sitting on a chair in hall with a lot of people and my boyfriend then was touching my ass with the use of his feet and I didn’t mind. We were together still until I had turned 18 where he had forced me to have sex with him and because I didn’t anymore want to be along I agreed. I remember feeling hurt and asking him to stop and him still forcing himself on me.

I felt confused and dirty. I couldn’t understand how to process what just happened. My vagina itched so bad after that I had to stop wearing underwear. Good thing it healed by me putting alcohol on it daily. I had no money for anything so I just let it be. We broke up when I found him cheating on me. He tried to get me back but as a revenge I hit him on the face and wanted to kill him.

I felt alone again. So, i just went on with my life the way had always used to. Until I met another guy, he was kind, he was handsome and he was good to me. Unfortunately, I was wrong again. He was in a relationship with someone for years and as he had treated me right I told his girlfriend that there was nothing between us. He cried. He saw me again once and asked me to speak to him but by the time we met I was already with someone. This someone I thought would never hurt me. Years and years a series of bad relationships and wrong decisions.

I was in college. I got in a great school. I wanted to take up a course that I knew would get me places. I was told I couldn’t do it because I am not smart enough and off I went to a school that no one wanted me. I was bullied and ridiculed for being poor. I then went on a smoking and drinking spree. My father having nothing to want from me hit me day in and day out. Once I even handed him a knife and asked him to just kill me. He didn’t stop. He even humiliated me on campus slapping me across my face and cursing me where everyone could hear. He thought of me as a whore and don’t deserve anything.

I met someone who didn’t woo me and he wasn’t my choice. He was handsome alright, but I later learned that he was violent. By the 1st year in our relationship he forced himself on me. Got me high and forced me to do anal for him. And yet, I still stayed. The relationship went on for four years full of humiliation and battery. I didn’t want to be alone so I stayed. Then he left the country and I find myself yearning to get my life in order and getting myself out.

I graduated college by this time. I applied for Singapore. I wanted to teach. I asked my dad for help but he declined saying I am making a wrong decision and I am not cut out for it because I am not smart enough to do anything. I ended up working for a contact center. Years of working for different companies. It was as people would call it a jumper.

In 2010, I met with a childhood sweetheart. I was so depressed that I somehow forced him to marry me. And we did. I thought it was the end my lonesome life. Within a year I got pregnant. I felt something in my gut that something is up. I forced him to tell me what’s what. He then told me that he has a disease Hepatitis B. I had to let go of my child. You know what, I still stayed. You know why? The only answer is, I did not want to be alone. Eventually, we separated because he cheated and went on to secrecy.

I finally found what to do to get myself off from the life that is killing me inside. I boarded a ship worked as a photographer and saw the world. Funny thing is, I went from one relationship to another with the wrong people who are either married or awful people.

I GOT PREGNANT!

The man who got me pregnant is married and didn’t want anything to do with my child. He even planned on getting my child aborted. I kept him.

Now, I am not alone and no longer afraid. I have someone to belong to. I have someone to live for. The years of mistakes made me a better person and gave me the opportunity to be what my son needs. I am no longer afraid and I am not alone.

Dear Reader,

If you have found this know that you don’t have to be afraid. You don’t need to make yourself fit into someone else’s mold of you. Be better than me. Be great! Make choices that will not make you feel awful about yourself. Do not be afraid.