Changed

Wow.  It’s been almost a week since I have updated.

I feel like my life has changed (topsy turvy) in these six days.  Utterly changed.  I feel like a completely different person.  Kind of.

Nothing terribly life-altering has happened, either…  just… things are different now.

I met Lisa, the puppy coordinator for Guide Dogs.  She’s fantastic!  I am completely set on getting this puppy.  Honestly, at this point, not much can stop me from it.  And she confirmed what I hoped the most– it’s Utah state law that guide dog puppies can go anywhere that a guide dog can go– basically everywhere that I can!  Huzzah!  This little puppy is going to come everywhere with me.  😀

Bryan and his mother got in a really big argument on Monday.  Sunday we had travelled over to his house, and he made a pie, leaving some dishes (I believe a cookie sheet and a mostly-clean bowl) on the counter.  She really flipped (there’s been a lot of stress lately, though– she had just gotten back from a trip to Oregon to visit her brother who is dying of a brain tumor) and attacked Bryan really hard.

The whole situation was a really big energy drain.  I barely had enough to keep Bryan supported, but we managed it.  In an e-mail where she explained herself better, she explained that she sees Bryan as a guest in her house at this point.  I’m taking this as the sign that she’s come to terms with our moving in together in May.  Bryan and I also ran through the numbers, and 12 months of living in an apartment/house will be cheaper than 8 at the dorms and 4 at home.  Which means that his dad is going to be okay with it.

Bobby’s parents are very happy for him to be moving in, and so he will be doing so.  Mark’s are a bit skeptical, but their primary concern is that he won’t be making friends and meeting new people– Hopefully this won’t really be a roadblock when they realize that he’ll be moving in with his friends; people that will not be in the dorms come next year.

Housing is a go.  An affordable, liberating go.

I have been doing yoga at least every other day, oftentimes each day.  I forgot how much I loved it.  All of a sudden I have tons of energy, flexibility, and lower back strength.  My back is almost completely healed, and my shoulders have stopped bugging me.  The only downside is that I’m a lot hungrier for it, meaning that I have to eat more terrible Heritage Center food.  Just another reason to look forward to an apartment– eating good food when I want where I want and with whichever ingredients I want.

I texted with Dan a bit the other night, and it sounds like he’s doing well.  I haven’t contacted him since the last time we talked (on Halloween), mostly because of my poor state of mind.  I’ve finally overcome my regression (another thing to celebrate!) and I can bear to see old friends again.

It sounds as if Dan is doing really well.  It’s hard to tell with him.  He’s so… closed.  I keep finding myself missing him terribly.  I haven’t been able to come to a place where our friendship doesn’t hurt so Goddamn much.  He either ignores me (which hurts HURTS hurts) or we are in contact and…  And, well, it’s obvious that we still both care for each other quite a bit, and neither of us can do anything about it.

I came to the realization a while ago (a year, maybe?) that even given the opportunity, I probably would not try a relationship with Dan.  And now there is NO opportunity.  I am very much in love with Bryan, and no one is taking that from either of us.  Ever, I hope.

The point is that being with him hurts, also (but in a more positive way, definitely).

The two things that are making this hard, now, especially are that 1) my 20th birthday is coming up pretty soon (well, three months, but compared to the two and a half years of earlier, this is not much), and my age will actually be within his "dating rules" and 2) He has finally given up on Kathleen, and has informed me that she is getting married.

I really want to invite him out for lunch and catch up, but I’m afraid there will be more pressure than usual there.  I think a lot of my hesitancy to contact him was that the last time we met, he was very much probing the nature of my relationship with Bryan.  Looking for cracks.  I know that there’s a part of him that wants me and Bryan to fail.  And that hurts.  It doesn’t hurt when other people feel that– just Dan.  Probably because there’s that little part of me that’s still in love with Dan.

If Bryan and I were ever to break up, I have vowed to not date another man for quite a while.  (Read:  Addie plans on being a lesbian again).  I know that my subconcious reasoning is mostly to just keep myself from pursuing something with Dan.  I know that it won’t work.

But anyhow, that’s enough of the nostalgic/slightly sad/hypothetical nonsense.  Life is good!  Just different.  Lots of things have changed.  I feel that, for the first time after my regression, I am fully in charge of my life.  The choices are mine, and I have chosen something that works.

I had a dream last night that I was standing on top of a grassy hill, in bare feet, and wearing a white dress.  I danced, slowly, spinning in circles, with my eyes above my head.  My eyes were green.  The sky opened– more that I felt it streaming out from my fingers, as if I controlled it.  By "it opened", I mean that it stretched on forever, and I could physically feel the stretching.  The sky reached out for me, like clay, and held onto my outstretched hands, pulling me toward it.  I watched the Earth (the rolling grassy hills– so green) slowly fall away from my bare feet.  Lightness.  I pulled myself into the clay ceiling above me.  Eternal blue.