2013, A Year of Firsts
1.What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
So, let’s see. In roughly chronological order:
I built my own computer with my own hands!
I was diagnosed with OCD.
I got really, really (really) sick and had severe chronic pain and hospital visits. (My first time being really sick.)
I made real progress toward publishing a paper.
I. Got. Married.
(Speaking of which, I made my own wedding dress! Crazy!)
I went to a non-Europe, non-US, non-Canada country.
A home improvement project! I built a new closet and installed it almost all myself.
I came out as transgender to all most of my friends in Seattle.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes, I did! I had resolved to be more open about my gender identity, and I succeeded quite well!
This year’s resolution: come out to my family. :S
Holy cow that’s terrifying.
3. Did anybody close to you give birth?
Nope, no babies.
4. Did anybody close to you die?
Nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
Belize!! Bryan and I visited Mayan ruins, went sea kayaking, inner tubed through caves, ziplined, and snorkeled with SHARKS, SEA TURTLES, and A MANATEE. This was one of the most relaxing, amazing vacations ever. Which your honeymoon is supposed to be. 😉
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Good health? Please, that would be nice.
7. What date(s) from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, I’m pretty sure I fail if I say anything other than "June 21st" because that is when I got married!! It was a summer solstice handfasting. Let it never be said that I’m not a pagan. 😛
9. What was your biggest failure?
I let my anxiety control me a lot this year. My therapist gave me some really good tools for dealing with anxiety/OCD, and they worked really well! That being said, sometimes I was just too depressed or too stubborn to use those tools, and a lot of things dropped through the cracks when I did that. I didn’t make the deadline on a grant application because I was being too anxious about it, I’ve kept putting off scheduling my second year exam, etc, etc. Next year I really want to get a hold of my anxiety and be in charge of my own life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes. I started having abdominal pain in early January which got progressively worse and worse. By March I was at a minimum 6 (out of 10) on the pain scale every single waking moment. There was one day when I woke up and it hurt so much that I couldn’t stop screaming. All the while, the doctors had no fucking clue what was going on. I had two ultrasounds, a colonoscopy, all sorts of poking and prodding, giant medical bills… Nothing.
Finally, a doctor thought to do an x-ray and found that I had a huge quantity of impacted stool in my intestines. I went on a really rigorous laxative regime (like, a few days before the wedding; it was an interesting week) and finally my pain went down to manageable and then insignificant levels. I am so fucking grateful. I have felt chronic, debilitating pain, and I never ever want to go back.
The downside here is that every time I try to back off of the laxatives, I start being in really bad pain again. I don’t know what to do, and neither do the doctors. It’s really frustrating and defeating. I just want to be better. Please, 2014, let me be better.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hogarth!! He is my triceratops. Bryan got him for me as a bribe to get me to go to the doctor for my pain. He’s been my anxiety-helping friend ever since. I honestly don’t think I could’ve gotten through all of this medical stuff if not for Hogarth. He would come to work with me when I was hurting, and even sometimes classes.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Bryan’s, as always. 🙂 He is so patient and supportive through all of my shit. I love him so much.
Also, all of my friends to whom I’ve come out. Everyone (everyone) has been insanely supportive and helpful. My boss is very sensitive to my needs, and has offered to do anything to help my transition. I love Seattle. I’m so glad I live here.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Well, not really appalled… But my family. They live in a world of hyper-gender roles and they sometimes try to hyper-feminize me. I mean, it’s not really their fault because it’s not like they know… But it hurts my feelings every time it happens. I hate it.
Also, Logan was something of a terrible friend this year. We fell out of contact about when I moved to Seattle, and a whole lot when I got sick. Somewhere in there he had a crisis and called me… I missed the call, didn’t follow up, and he got really angry. He got mad at me for never contacting him, yelled at me for being a terrible friend… I cried for, like, three straight days.
We eventually worked it out, but it’s not quite the same. I tried to explain how sick I’d been, and he thought I’d been making it up as an excuse. Or something. *sigh* He’s been so depressed this year, and doesn’t have any friends. He was really hurt that no one (not even his family) called him for Thanksgiving. It’s so hard for him living overseas, so far away from everyone. I’m really worried about him, but don’t really have the energy to take care of him. It’s hard.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To getting married / honeymooning in Belize. Totally worth it.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
You might expect I’d say "getting married," though to be honest, I was petrified of having a wedding. It’s like a giant performance in front of a hundred people and they’re all going to want to pay attention to me and I’ll need to interact with all of them and… and… It’s an introvert’s worst nightmare! (It turned out fine. It was one of the best days ever.)
I did get really, really, really excited about Belize, though. IT WAS SO COOL!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
What Sarah Said – Death Cab for Cutie
I’ve been thinking about health issues and dying a lot this year. What would happen to Bryan if I didn’t make it? Ah, the wonderful ruminations of those in chronic pain.
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
A lot more low key. When everything hurts, you learn to tone it back to what you can handle.
Less anxiety-ridden, though still not where I’d like to be. (Last year I almost exploded from anxiety. I’m so glad my first year of graduate school is over.)
Much more sure of myself. Living in a supportive environment where people are comfortable with me exploring my identity is so fantastic. I don’t mean about just gender, either. I’m trying to figure out where I fit in as a leader and a friend. This has been a year of reinventing myself.
More empathetic. If that’s even possible. Constant, severe pain turned that on even more in me.
Vice president of a club! I help run "Women in Chemical Science," and it’s amazing. I really like being a leader, even if I’m unsure of myself. This is something I’m working to reclaim from my time in my government job.
Riding horses again. Possibly my most favorite thing in the world. It feels good to be riding again. I love it so much.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Applying for grants. I’m going to be sad when I need to teach all year next year again. 🙁
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Can I say "being in pain"? Because that would’ve really made this year a lot better. (It was still a good year, just kinda… polarized.)
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Bryan and I did Christmas by ourselves in Seattle. This was my first Christmas without my parents, and it was good. Weird, but good. It was nice not having everyone screaming at one another; nice not getting slapped or pushed around. Kinda weird to feel so alone, though. Our (Bryan’s and my) family is so small. [By which I mean it is just the two of us.] All of my friends left for their respective homes, so it was very lonely in Seattle. Also sad seeing many of my friends go back to Salt Lake, but knowing that I wouldn’t get to spend time with any of them. Like I said, it was a strange experience.
21. Who deleted question 21?
This year, I blame Samy, who is staying with us. (And helping to chase away the lonely holiday feeling). Samy and Cellie moved to Seattle and have been living with us for about a month while they try to find work / a place to live.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
… Yes, actually.
I’m kind of a lot in love with my coworker, Pat, but haven’t told anyone. Anyone. This is the first time I’ve committed this to any kind of record. I don’t know if I want to say any more right now. I’m a little worried what it will do to my relationship with Bryan (or my friendship with Pat, for that matter) if anyone were to find out. I mean, everything would survive. It’s not like I do this every other year or so. *sigh* I just want to keep this one to myself. Oh yeah, and figure out my gender before trying to add complicated relationship triangles.
23. How many one-night stands?
Nada. I should probably delete this question; my answer’s always the same.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Um, My Little Pony, duh! I’m only the hugest brony ever. (That is no way true. I am a huge brony, though.)
25. Do you hate anybody now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, it takes a lot to get on my permanent shit list.
26. What was the best book you read?
Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson! Possibly my favorite Sanderson novel.
The Way of Kings was also fantastic and I’m looking forward to the next book in the series in 2014! (That’s also Sanderson; I’m a fantasy nerd.)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn’t really discover anyone new this year, which is atypical for me. I’m gonna blame it on being sick. Not only is being sick a fantastic scapegoat, but it’s probably true, too.
28. What did you want and get?
Support, kindness, and friendship as I came out to my friends. A flawless wedding. A still-fantastic relationship.
29. What did you want and not get?
Health. Goddamn health.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Ummm. I really didn’t see very many movies this year. Something about chronic pain making it hard to leave the house and be social…
God, I sound like a really broken record. I swear this year was good, it just had a huge downside that colors all of my answers.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24, and I played in the park with my friends. It was a little sad, because I couldn’t really move around very much (because I was in pain). But I enjoyed spending time with my friends, and many people sat at the table with me and talked while I looked longingly at the people playing frisbee…
I make it sound really melancholy, but it was great. The support I’ve gotten from my friends this year is really fantastic. I always know I’m going to have a great year when I can start it off surrounded by people who truly care about me. (And cake. Delicious chocolate cake. Good year.)
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Gay marriage being legalized in Utah. Oh wait!! That happened. CRAAAAZY.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Gay wannabe-Asian. I’m trying to phase out my girl clothes and phase in manclothes. The only problem is that I’m tiny. Like, well and truly tiny. The only manclothes that fit me come out of Korea. So that’s where I get them. (From the Internet, of course.)
34. What kept you sane?
Bryan, Hogarth, good friends. Isabele, my friend with fibro, was a huge help. She’s in chronic pain all the time, and was the only person who understood what I was going through. She helped me more than she’ll ever know, and I feel like I know her so much better now. You just can’t imagine what goes on with chronic pain until you experience it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Uhhh. Twilight Sparkle?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
And surprising no one, transgender issues. Not only was I much more aware this year, but transgender rights have been a big political item this year. Or, at least, they’re starting to be on the radar. I’m cautiously hopeful.
37. Who did you miss?
Logan? Well, Nice Logan.
Pat. He’s doing a three month temporary research position in New Jersey, and I miss him so much. Only two more months…
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Mackenzie, though she probably doesn’t know it. She’s a graduate student in the physics department, and has taught me a whole lot about women’s issues in science. She gave me the resources to try and get gender-neutral restrooms into the chemistry building, and I just know she’s going to be a fantastic resource for some future project.
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39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
You’ve just gotta trust that everything will turn out okay. It’s the only thing that’s gotten me through my illness, and it’s one of the things that really helps with my anxiety. I’m worried that it might be a little too much on the rose-colored glasses side of things, but it’s what’s getting me through right now and that’s what counts.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
This was such a bipolar year, I can’t really come up with something that encompasses that. I think maybe something from "Half Jack" by the Dresden Dolls catches my gender uncertainty, "Evil Eye" (in its entirety) by Josh Ritter catches my health problems. And of course there has to be a love song for getting married.
Actually.
I give you, "St. Stephen’s Cross" by Vienna Teng:
He was there the night the wall came down.
He lost her in the endless crowd,
In the shadow of St. Stephen’s cross.
He sent cries aloft for his fellow man,
His finger slipping from her hand,
The rain clouds prowling overhead.
She was there the night the wall came down.
She faded into that newborn crowd
Like a warning of what could be lost.
Through the perforated night she ran,
Her fingers slipping from his hand,
And she breathed in freedom
Before daylight tread.
They were there the night the wall was drowned
In the surging of that tidal crowd:
An old world made new
On the same holy ground.
She found him standing, looking lost
In the shadow of St. Stephen’s corss,
And he closed his eyes and heard no sound
But her breathing warm against his mouth.