:(

That awkward moment when all your friends are discussing their relationships …. ugh.

With my boyfriend-less friends away now it seems like I’m the only one without one.

And as much as I’d like to pretend to not care of course the whole thing bothers me …

The only slightly consoling aspect is guys ask me out so it’s not like it isn’t happening.

And with my friends’ boyfriends they were the only ones who have ever asked them out.

So it’s like yes they have these boyfriends but they’ve never been with another boy …

You know? And I certainly don’t BS myself – I have issues with commitment … and I

Could probably write tens of entries on why exactly relationships are not my priority

And none are superficial reasons … I mean they’re actually issues … that I admit to

And can address … but that won’t necessarily HELP me to have a relationship. And

I don’t even tell my friends when I’m asked out so … I mean they probably think I’m

Totally date-less … when in fact that isn’t the case. But if I had to say that I date

Guys and then turn them away, then I’d have to explain WHY I turn guys away …

And I feel like that’s a whole lot worse (and too personal) for me to explain to them.

When I tried to be open and honest once it totally backfired on me and I ended up

Losing my best friend because, I don’t know, it freaked her out … and that

Feeling of having no support … was a TERRIBLE feeling … that I don’t want again …

I don’t know what depression feels like … but for months I wasn’t right afterward

So tonight I sat there awkward and quiet while everyone was talking about boyfriends.

And then when they asked me … I just mumbled some BS … to make light of the fact.

But I can’t keep putting off the subject, they’re going to think I’m even weirder …

You know there’s only been one boy I’ve ever entertained relationship thoughts with.

All these other guys … I’m not feeling it … they’re lovely etc. … I’m just ambivalent.