Hating this dilemma

Basing on my previous blog, it’s obvious that I want to go back to the Philippines. But a part of me is guilty and sad because I will be away from my parents again. I know Tatay and Mama feels really sad and maybe even hurt whenever I say how much I want to go back to the Philippines. And I feel really really bad. I love them so much. I never want to hurt my parents. (Yet sometimes through the things I say, I know I do hurt them. But that doesn’t stop me from still acting and speaking the way I do, which makes me HATE MYSELF.) Why can’t we just be in the same place where I can also be with our extended family, my friends and my Flipper? This is turning out to be a matter of choice for me, and it is hard. I don’t want to choose because they are all important to me.

There are times when I also feel that I don’t want to go back to the Philippines, because of my parents. I don’t want them to feel alone. I’m an only child, after all. And the reason why they move here is because of me and my future. I know they want me to be here with them. That’s what matters anyway amidst all these – as long as the 3 of us are together. But going back home in May is not a choice for us to make right now. It’s a legal matter of immigration stuff.. But it’s not just about visa and green cards. It gets complicated when you put your personal feelings and choices with it.

I’ll be coming back here again about 3 or 4 months anyway after my arrival in the Philippines in May. I know eventually I’ll get well-adjusted here in America. Why can’t that moment come now? So none of us have to feel bad and sad.